raining

it rained a lot today. the sun came and went every hour or so, slipping in and out of clouds and showers that lingered and never really left. we’re a week into summer now, and though I’ve grown to expect such bipolar weather on the island, today it made me think of Lewes and the perpetual storm clouds that must only be growing stronger by the day. I wondered if it was raining there too, as it had almost every night during my short time there.

I miss many things about the village and the life I found there. but it’s only recently that I’ve realised how much I miss the weather. it’s strange to greet summer with reluctance now. the days are warmer and I’m supposed to be happy about it. I find it hard to pretend I’m content with this constant passing of time, which only seems to make the distance between me and everything I miss seem greater. another summer shouldn’t be a big deal, and I know rain or winter wouldn’t make it all better. but at least the cold and the clouds make a little more sense to my fragile mind.

I’m another year older in a couple of weeks. I’ll graduate too, closing another chapter. even more bewildering is the fact that I’ll have been home for a whole year before then. I still catch myself struggling to believe it’s all over, that this coming home to my old life isn’t just a temporary thing prolonging our return to our shared life in the village. sometimes it feels as though I haven’t lived a day since coming back: that the time has just passed and I’ve watched it playing out before me from a distance. I don’t know what to make of these feelings or the path before me. sleep is the only thing that makes sense anymore. I miss and I miss and I wonder what I’m meant to do << x