our last day

it’s a year since our last day in the village. I don’t know how this is meant to make me feel, though I’ve dreaded the thought of being so far from that precious time for a while now. I know the distance hasn’t changed since I arrived home last December, but the time seems to make the loss seem greater as it passes.

last night I spoke to Mat about everything. he tells me he finds it easier to not think about Lewes and the things he misses. I told him I wish I could do that sometimes, though so much of my life now seems to be my missing. Mat confessed to wishing for that time again, despite his unwillingness to dwell on everything we left behind in the village. I’m learning slowly that we all have different ways of grieving and moving through the losses we face.

a year ago today I had my final class on campus. I explored Brighton one last time wirh Emma and Jan. we all went to Lansdown for drinks, after which we had our final night in 53, laughing and drinking cups of tea with biscuits. today I saw some friends. we had a picnic in the sun. it was nice, and for a brief moment I forgot the sadness I woke up to upon realising a year had passed since my final full day in Lewes.

tomorrow will be a year to the day since we left the village. despite having had so much time to prepare for the anniversary of this loss, I feel so small before it now. my life since leaving has consisted completely of my missing. I long for my friends and the world that we shared in that funny old hotel. I don’t know what I’m meant to do with this longing. I hope it comes to make sense with time - the village and the crossing of our paths there - and that I might someday know the joy I knew there once again. << x