golden hour cemetery

somewhere between a lost mind and found feet. intermittent thinking ripples in and out of reach, closer than before but still not quite mine yet. I shake I quiver at the edge. I am a paper boat passing under the bridge. a new body I would never choose the same brain too stubborn to change. 

the lady at the pub says her dog is medicated. SSRIs for a few months. but she's been so fine today maybe it's time to take her off. on my phone I fall from this plane swim away through many a cause for medication. bombs and babies martyrs enough to fill a shopping mall face cards enough to care a little more. my ex housemate posting golden hour selfies from the cemetery. I hope she had a happy birthday.

never let me go

sometime between coffee and night school (nearly dusk). a boy in black sitting under a tree on south lawn. soft silver somethings dangle (both ears) long dark hair a little like mine shoes I own but never wear. he's reading the book I bought for your birthday. baggy pants I'd like to buy. I want to take his picture know his thoughts see you again. the story didn't move you but it still lives on your shelf. it was my favourite for a while.

sun starts to sink again. he marks his page zips his bag stands in his baggy pants to leave. the black birds swoop down round his waist from one tree to the next.

onions

how far can I fall into myself? the static is a bandaid only here to fill the gaps. skies change I should I don't I can't outrun reality. what good are eyes that only cry for onions?

kids again today

I catch a school of fish from puddles in the backyard, filling the wheelbarrow in minutes. you emerge without warning, clambering over the fence on a branch from next door. maybe we are kids again today. I invite you to join us for dinner (we have fish enough for thousands). you don't respond, turning away to the rope swing or some other childhood relic half remembered. on the grass I'm twisting flowers to a crown for you to wear. you're transfixed by the garden. eyes wide deep breaths moving like an astronaut. I want to hold your hand but know to leave you be for now.

only neutral

we talk about radical acceptance / embracing the absurd / the unconditional positive regard. I want to understand and ask for help. the nurse clears the fog opens windows lets the light in. she's not a therapist but should be. radical acceptance: 'it is what is it is' but a little less passive ('what can we do about it?'). whatever reality / truth we face cannot be changed without acceptance. fact does not need forgiveness but acknowledgement to flow. truths can contradict and sit at the same table without spilling each other's guts.

the nurse gives us directions for play. first I must ask what I'm accepting and how it is has changed me. only then can I consider what can be done about the reality I don't want. truth awaits approval and will not shift without it. the words make sense but practice mutates madness far beyond the bounds of ink on paper. tentacles tighten home around the frontal lobe. I am asked to meet myself where I am / leave struggle and resistance at the door. with clear direction I still can't seem to give them up.

we're reminded on the cheat sheet happiness is just another signal. beware the chase that never ends. everything of value is to be mined from some transaction. our natural state is soft is less. only neutral ever lasts.

playing house

do we come from clay or stardust? what is truth and does it matter? regardless we are left to build our own alone. some draw a lot of meaning from the thought of being: 'we are the universe witnessing itself unfolding'. others say we're accidental. with will both can be true enough.

they teach us to dance around / hide from the logical conclusion / play dumb / keep playing house a little longer for forever. we reach for the moon and let ourselves dream from our silly cells of flesh.

one fish, two fish

learning to learn

how not to be wrong

bad kids

carry on

the line of beauty

where angels fear to tread

observatory mansions

hidden in the cave we forge of one another

cats cradle

a children's bible

where the mountain meets the moon

white noise

us

genesis

the nature of things

more happy than not

one fish, two fish

love and virtue

on the origins of species

sapiens

apocalypse of the alien god

under the dome

tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow