white walls

I peel the evidence of who I've been from my childhood bedroom walls: pictures / postcards / assorted debris drawn from different corners of a map I only trace in memory. the paths are blurry in the dust of time since they were made. the walls are white and all but bare if not for chips from fossils of saudade unwilling to let go. but the room feels bigger now. clearer and cleaner and nearly ready to forget. I pile the sacred with the scraps and remember I change shape / change tune / hurt less and grow with time. tides take and matters of the heart change colour in the stream / the sun / with every passing nightmare. this will hurt until it doesn't and the time it takes won't matter more than you or how it felt. when it doesn't something else will. no matter who remembers you will matter anyway.

heavy

did you dress up for Halloween? I wore armour and the cross like bandaids. in the dark I could have passed as strong or real. you weren't there and I laughed as though it didn't matter. sounds of other people washing over me for lack of screaming / currents / the voice I want to drown in / you. I danced with a computer and a knight. I only want to dance with you.

and I am still here right where you left me on the curb. cars pass like leaves under clouds that do the same. I call your name into the distance only growing every day. you're still heavy in my heart.

a double-edged thing

lightning doesn’t strike twice in three months it just doesn’t.

you don’t think so?

well never to me, no.

yeah but he's like you’ve seen him. you haven’t met him but he’s so magnetic.

but you know a lot of people are magnetic. I think it’s like I think a lot of my ex best friends are these crazy magnetic people, and I get so drawn into that and it like it really consumes me in these friendships.

mmm.

and then they grow well it’s not that they grow tired of you but you just grow apart a bit, and you suddenly feel like there are these crazy problems with you because you weren’t good enough for that friendship.

yes.

or well I’m obviously saying this in a friendship lens.

yeah.

but the point is it’s not that and it’s not that you aren’t good enough for them it’s a natural it’s just a growing apart thing. they grow apart from you but you also grow apart from them and because you’re so focused on the fact that it’s like well “why couldn’t I be this thing for them?” you’re ignoring the fact that they couldn’t be this thing for you either. you know what I mean? and that it wasn’t one-sided it was two-sided. you weren’t giving them what they wanted, sure, but they also weren’t giving you what you wanted but you’re able to ignore their faults because you’re able to focus on your own instead. do you know what I’m saying here?

I do know exactly what you’re saying.

I think this is making I feel like this is making perfect sense to me.

I know.

so you’re able to think “well, you know, I just, you know, he’s going through something and I wasn’t able to be there for him in the way that I should have been able to” but it’s also like he’s going through something and he’s not able to be a good enough person to be around in this moment.

yeah.

but even if it’s not a better or worse thing it is a double-edged thing.

it is reciprocal.

you know. and so maybe you’re thinking well it’s like “why doesn’t he want me?”

sure.

but it’s also like “why aren’t you giving me these things that I want?” “why aren’t you here for me?” you know “you know that I want someone to be here for me why can’t you do that for me? I need someone who’s gonna be able to do that for me."

mm.

do you know what I’m saying?

dressing up

rain on tin roof over tarot card reading. I pick the cards a friend translates from the book. queen of swords ace of rods three of rods. their story is mine if I want it. I don't care enough to remember how it goes. my friend talks about a quote she can't remember from a book she hasn't read but heard someone say online. something about watching your own misery in the cinema. you are the only one there and you can choose to leave at any time. when I read her cards she oohs and aahs she believes and no doubt this will help her moving forward. maybe faith is all I need.

October ends alone in another bedroom at another party. I sit in my armour and think about you. time is twisted. your silence weighs more with every day that comes between today and when we were. I wish I saw your costume. we were going to scheme together. remember dressing up and dancing in the smoke. remember kissing in the pantry. we were lightning cataclysmic bioluminescent glowing in the dark. did we really have to stop? I wish we could go back. I wish you wanted to.

Halloween

but what is Halloween without my favourite ghost?

I hear your laugh in the dark

down the hall

where we’ve been (when we were)

before

I tried to find you

we were glowing

between the faces of the internet and gods and nightmares

we can be anything

I’d dress as you if only I could find your eyes

sky blue windows to a heart to drown in

if I weren't waiting for the fire

if you were still here

in the valley

holding me like water

when I was yours and what you wanted

when we were

before we weren't

and I don't know what you dressed as

but I know you're beautiful

a month is a burning hill / a waiting room / dead air

the knight cycles home in the dark

shining armour

costume party hallows' eve eve painting faces in the bedroom of a friend. you were there once: laughing singing running away to take photos in her mirror. we drink wine from the bottle and listen to lux. I love the choir and the strings. she sings along and knows the words and what they mean. everything she wears is beautiful. everything I'm wearing comes from someone else. crucifix and chainmail on tonight I am my hero in the kitchen watching pasta on the stove under red light. by nineteen she'd saved a nation. I save dinner for a friend.

too many faces no place for a pyre. in the bathroom with myself a fairy someone else in shining armour. with my eyes closed could be you. steel smooth to the touch. I open in the dark and you are gone.

without

knowing

missing

wondering why

this is just a nightmare

wanting to wake up

limping

like a husk or a shell or

the monster in the fridge

counting

in prayer

lost in the fog

waiting

blind

in the dark

hoping you're okay