the same facade

on Wednesday I ride to school under overcast skies full of potential / promising rain / clouds unwilling to cry just yet. the office is empty I have worn my collared shirt for nothing but at least I made it to my desk / got out of bed to play another day. on the screens I flip between jargon and the news, both heavy with the same facade of duty: a responsibility to work and think about the world / to better comprehend my own insignificance / to reconnect with what once fuelled the heart / to remember compassion. the nurse suggests it could just be distraction. working well above her call she says there's something missing between how I am and knowing how I got here. she thinks I'm yet to process my emotions and prescribes a breakdown at my own discretion. if she were a witch she'd fix this all but she's not and she can't. I have to face the lions without divine intervention.

on air

I listen to you talk about me on the radio. silly breakfast segment in memoriam for those lost to the city that I moved to. you even use my name. the story sounds a little different in the studio. I like the way you change the plot to read the way you want. it's nice to hear your voice the way you want the world to hear it. did you want me to listen? did you know that I would? does it matter I still wonder what you really think and mean? so much between what we say and what we mean. I wear your carabiner; you keep my picture on your wall.

my window of tolerance

somewhere between the hyper and the hypo we can build a frame to water down the overwhelm. try to understand the feelings where they come from why they're here. ask yourself: how wide is my window of tolerance and what might it take to break it open let in a little more light? the window takes different shapes through the span of any given day shifting at the whim of hidden chemical agendas. I can only feign control of the panes as they change how much I can see of my own simulation. the plan is beyond my understanding I play puppet sitting at the table take directions from whichever voice outscreams the other over any given meal.

my window of tolerance never ceases to surprise, opening and closing at commands unheard from someone else. the view shrinks and expands each new aspect ratio a novelty to marvel from my front row seat to life beyond the skull. there is so much more to see.

still screaming on the floor

in my dream I’m running from the promises I've made. they show me photographs of all my different faces, each a little longer sadder worse for wear than the last. the final photo is a mirror. I scream at the monster I don’t want to recognise I throw him to the ground. he shatters into slices of the ceiling reflecting shards of sunlight still screaming on the floor. down the corridor I lock myself in my shower run the water too cold not loud enough to drown the embers the photos of the faces I have grown. rage. I scream without a sound ears to listen relief any reason to stop. someone knocking on the door. there are tasks needing tending dishes to wash to dirty again. I look for a trapdoor to only shrink the room. walls start closing ceiling lowers I think about the other ways that people spend their time beyond their cells and scheming torture for themselves. I remember being pulled by my brother tasked to take me back into the ward. he pulls me hands under arms dragging feet kicking limp he is gentle while I plead he listen to ignore the doctor’s orders let’s go home I’ll get better I promise just please don’t let them take me back. we both know that he can’t there is nothing he can do but listen to the doctors they only want to help to make things easier. I cry into his shoulder. he tells me it’s okay, this will pass, I am only ever where I’m meant to be.

the angels keep singing

the angels sing through the walls. consumers cover ears with blankets and headphones their eyes with slides or neon blue light projecting liquid crystal their minds with lunch and regret and themselves. maybe a little too early for trivia card games divine intervention. blankets work for three of five soft snoring, one quiet shaking leg over another. invisible ticking someone’s watch a little louder than sleep than breathing. the angels keep singing next door.

punchlines

and this will all become a story people ask about like a holiday or breakup as though it wasn't everything  a whole world for a moment in time that had no end until it did. I hear it all reduced to punchlines in my own voice and maybe surely because it is easier this way we can laugh about the ward the rules the characters the funny things they said. yes. so much better to laugh than think about what was and what wasn't the shapes and shadows of that world I never asked for til I dreaded leaving like a death. we are all a lot better at laughing thinking only takes us places we are better off without.

outside

outside is vast is loud is breeze on my face a return to expectation and beyond any control. variables dwarf the odds with eyes closed. I do my best to write myself into believing. 

in the fridge

a new consumer fills the empty chair at lunch directly from another ward. she knows the rules her bolus of choice she's seen this all before. her first night is my last is just another in the unit. twenty one sleeps in my room I feel as frightened and unsure as I had on my first night. white sheets beige walls alone I feared surrender to the goals and expectations of the program the doctors the losing all control. tonight I fear returning back to where I was to choice to filling the dishes pantry space and time to mirrors to myself. outside I am seen with no say no excuse no soft plastic veil of protection security bolus in the fridge. on the precipice of freedom I stop to turn to catch my shadow. kneeling falling weeping for my captor beg for certainty for locks for answers maybe just more time. the thoughts grow inside out into tomorrow. I wash my face and pray and maybe find my feet in dreams.

behind the paper

ward rounds on Tuesday morning. we talk about discharge maybe Friday afternoon in time for the weekend a cool change my bone density scan. they say I’ve done well and ask how I feel about going home. it’s a funny question in that I don’t know how I'm meant to answer. the truth might make them wonder if I’m ready. to tell the truth may buy more time here prolong my freedom from the rules and expectations of the ward. what was scary at the start now seems so much less than what brought me here. out there I stand on my own and fill the fridge myself. out there expectation reigns excuses do little. out there appearance matters the narrative matters we laugh and look at ourselves in the reflections of each other’s eyes and every uncovered mirror. in here I sleep and wake to eat and do the same. I sit and listen to the other people and their stories with no real need to think about my own. there is no real need to think about anything. I am here to be fixed. how do I feel about going home? the truth hides behind the paper on the mirrors in my room the parasite’s new face the scream I don’t want to be seen. is this some kind of Stockholm syndrome? how can I be ready for myself again?

breakfast in another room

we take breakfast in another room away from all the noise. the nurses are concerned about the impact of the unpredictable ambience on our will to do our job and eat. barricade opens we follow the trolley past the nurse’s station down the hall into an office on the left a few doors down. a board room table cushioned black faux leather chairs projector screen and whiteboards. our places at the table are chosen by the nurses. they lay our trays at particular positions, removing each instrument vessel item of food napkin juice box to place before each consumer. trays returned to the trolley timer rightly assuming head of the table. toaster sitting nervous on a chair by the wall. we all seem a little thrown. a new room a closed door the unfamiliar lack of noise. plastic packet sounds and knives in single portion spreads much heavier in silence.

sitting across the table from a nurse we haven’t seen in a while I ask about her week. she has been well and even better now her daughter is on her way home escaping airport closures bombs escalating tensions on a flight out of Dubai. a little relief but still waiting for her son to do the same. I look down at my food my problems my self embarrassed by how I am despite what I know. what would the children in the rubble in the flames hiding under headlines think? I watch the nurse smiling as she waits for us to eat, not knowing when if how her son will come back home. I drink from a straw and remember a world outside much bigger than the ward myself any of our problems. 

birds

birds bathing in gutters on the roof. birds sitting on the table looking closer at my breakfast. birds fed by another consumer with his breakfast from the bench. birds coming and going enjoying their wings. birds breathing like me but a little more free.

on our phones

we visit the courtyard on our way to bed. the forecast says the moon is due to glow blood red and disappear into our shadow. looking up for the eclipse we see little beyond unwanted light between the walls of other wards. nothing worth a wish or staying outside any longer. we can't have the moon tonight. at least we can still watch it on our phones. 

whatever I think of the drink

fresh air today and rain. they say I can leave for an hour. I walk up over the hill across the road into a cafe recommended by the nurses. between new movement and colour I sit inside and I am just another patron, free to order coffee, sit and laugh a while. the coffee is too strong or my taste is too weak but this is much more about the play and the props than whatever I think of the drink. soon they'll have me back onstage to do this every day. I wasn't ready to stop when I surrendered. will I be ready to start when they call me back again?