Christmas

it’s already Christmas here. I remember how excited I used to be for the big day. sleep was impossible and I couldn’t bear the waiting. I’d wake two hours too early for presents and wish time would pass faster. it never did, but the time would come eventually. we’d run into the lounge room and tear into the gifts we’d been left overnight, and somehow it’d all be worth the wait.

things are different now. though I still love the carols and the smell of the tree, Christmas is another day between me and the people and things that I still miss so much. the magic I used to love seems lost on me now, though maybe that was always going to happen at some point. I wish for things that can’t be bought, and presents do little for me now.

I don’t know if this is just a part of growing up or if it’s something more. but I know that so much has changed since Lewes, and I doubt it’ll ever really feel the same again. I’m lucky to be safe and surrounded by love, but the missing never stops. I thought time would help, though it’s only made it all so much more precious. I pray for answers to impossible questions, and curse the distance that only seems to grow with time. but I still remember everything despite the year that’s passed. my memories are as clear as the day I left. they’re all I have left, and though I wish for something more, maybe they’re enough. << x