home

it’s the 18th of December. this means I’ve been home for a whole year now. despite taking so much from me, time passes so swiftly, without kicking up any fuss at all. this Wednesday marked five years since Louise passed away in the accident that changed so many lives. I don’t quite understand how so much time has passed. sometimes it feels as though it were yesterday I was waiting for her to pick me up in her new car that very afternoon. I remember how hot it was that day. I wished I’d brought a hat. it’s funny to look back and realise I still remember these useless details half a decade later.

losing a close friend changed my life to a great extent. I think it was Lou’s passing that really fueled my fear of losing things and people that matter to me. her anniversary now falls on that of the day I left England. somehow this week has become a series of dates that serve to remind me of past joys I miss. beginning with the end of our time in Lewes, and finishing with my birthday, a yearly reminder that whether I like it or not, I am growing older and further from all that I miss. the week is long and full of reminders of things I wish I still had. though I’m grateful to still have my memories of Louise and my friends and the time we shared in the village, I don’t know what I’m meant to do with them, or the sadness my missing still brings me.

I’m surrounded by good things, and being home shouldn’t make me feel sad. yet I still feel an undeniable emptiness here. everything seems to mean less now, and it’s only in missing that I feel strongly for anything anymore. I don’t know where I’m meant to go from here - it seems I’ve been stuck here for quite some time. I hope I can find a way out someday, and that it might make some more sense in time. I hope I can learn how to feel whole again. << x