they bombed another school

my knuckles are cold and so are my toes. the rest of my body feels okay, though my joints are tired. in the office my eyelids feel heavy and I know that a little more sleep wouldn’t hurt. I drink coffee now and stay at my desk later than I have to. I play adult and sometimes convince even myself that I know what I’m doing, and why. it makes sense when I don’t think too much about it. I walk to the train as the sun is rising: it goes to bed as I start to make my way home.

I chop rosemary from the bush growing by the curb down the road. it seasons the food in my pan. I eat and it is good for me. sometimes the people I love remind me that I shouldn’t be searching for reasons to do what is right for myself. they tell me they care about where I’m going, even when I can’t quite do this myself. I am embarrassed by the thought of taking up more space, even in somebody’s mind - all despite my pathetic hunger for attention. human or parasitic? are we all a little bit of both? they bombed another school and I still care how I’m perceived.

already half past the year that was new. where am I now? has anything really changed? have I even tried moving forward? do I want to be brave? do I just drift and fish for more reasons to hurt?

there’s a mirror in the hallway now. I hope it breaks and makes a mess.