I haven’t picked up a book to read all month. there will always be excuses to make and other ways to spend my time. some nights I feel lonely and do nothing about it. sometimes the faces of people I love on my screen is the closest I’ll get to a hug. in wishing for more I roll my eyes at the face in the mirror, aware of what I have had and how lucky and cursed I am to remember.
tonight I will walk to the theatre and buy a ticket for a film I have already seen. I will sit and fall into the screen and live somewhere else til the credits roll. away from me and my phone, someplace I’ve been but don’t really know, faces of actors familiar enough to feel safe and important. the movie is about our human dependence on the approval and affection of others. on the big screen it hangs some of the dark and nasty stuff we do our best to keep in shadows or boxes in corners under our beds. I won’t think about myself or what I lack or the future I don’t want to see for a couple of hours. this is good and I am fortunate.
Mum started back at work today. less than two weeks since her mother’s death and business as usual. we give ourselves such little space for breath and feeling.
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