songs I should like

I had hoped I might have made the time to think about what and how I should be feeling by now, but I’ve hardly found a moment to be alone. this shouldn’t surprise me. I see the pattern and have drawn lines between the dots: I fear my own company. every distraction afforded me by somebody else is a gift, regardless of how it might wind up making me feel. thinking realistically, I’ve not forced myself to sit with my thoughts for long enough to tie them to ink on a page in the book hiding in the back of my desk drawer in over half a year. I can run in the dark and sing in front of a hundred strangers on a stage. what actually matters if I can’t even sit with myself?

I sit at the departure gate with my phone and 51 minutes. maybe I’ll call a friend or text someone I shouldn’t. my phone absentmindedly shuffles songs I should like. I’ll scroll until it’s time to go.