ego forever

I fall from my dreams to a state of awake, until which point I’ve passed through the frames of fluid states of being. when my eyes open to the soft grey of my bedroom ceiling I forget anything else was ever possible. this is the world I’ve learnt. I know where I am and how I’m meant to be. I’m not what I dreamt, but what I’ve somehow always known myself to be.

on my phone I scroll through names and faces and taunt myself with digital histories and accounts of relationships confined to archived message threads of affirmation and affection. I feel inadequate and forgotten despite the love I am spoiled with and dependent on. ‘look at me.’ I feel pathetic to feed the parasite and wish I’d never opened my phone.

I hear Jenae read the news at 9:30 as I tap away at the keys into something I can’t remember. she is on the radio reporting on what is happening in the world over there. this is her job now. as I type into the liminal space that is the cloud above laptop I listen to the voice of my friend on the radio and I am proud of somebody I love with my whole heart whilst I am writing an email about project administration. something important and something so small and aimless and monotonous and it’s all happening at once. I hold onto the special thing. my friend is on the radio. I have a friend to love.

and still I cry for more. the greed dwarfs the gratitude every time. still dreaming of a way to slay the dragon. ego always wins.