egress?

I wrote in my journal for the first time in four months today. it’s funny to catch myself up on everything that’s been happening in my mind. a very long winded conversation with myself. not much to learn but a lot to think about.

I’m beginning to realise how easily routine can derail ambition to be making time for what matters to us. this is starting to scare me. I’m trying to make sense of the hamster wheel we’re all locking ourselves into. it feels ridiculous.

I wake early for work. music keeps me company on the busses and trains. I think of people I love throughout the day, giving me reasons to smile whilst I reply to emails and try to make myself useful. the pace has changed, though it’s all distraction, as it has always been. <<

clouds and trees

not a lot to say at the moment. days passing by quickly for the most part. making moments count where I can.

over the clouds.

under the trees.

my oldest friend.

and new friends too.

whirlwind. when I stop I think of things I miss. people and places and moments in time, mostly out of reach. how lucky I’ve been to now yearn so deeply for what is no longer within the realm of possibility.

I finally watched Yi Yi under Nash’s recommendation. I’m very glad I did. <<

roar

I slip back into a series of expectations and timeframes and it almost feels as though I’ve rehearsed this enough to feel like I’m selling it. full days at a desk sometimes. it’s really strange.

leaving Lewes meant being half a planet away, locked out of a world that is left to the past. I could only visit it in my memories. Stucco is a twenty minute walk away - I can visit it very easily. something about that world still being so accessible to me feels odd. I still miss Lewes and yearn for that life, but I can visit Bip or Nic or a whole bunch of Stucco friends in no time at all. the contrast is jarring.

making a new space in a very small room. loft bed, desk and clothes rack. white walls and bed boards and desktop and chair. it’s all blank - even the lightfitting, which I’m pretty sure is an upside down lamp being misused. nothing on the walls yet. very little on the desk - a lamp, le petit prince, my silver swan and her mood rings.

days pass quickly. I think less throughout, which is nice. hoping I might make positive use of routine once I make it my own. <<

working

working my way back into my life. feeling held by friends here, home, and far away. counting blessings as I pull myself out of bed into the real world.

impromptu stucco fun times: late night mid level hangs with Mia and Leo, breakfast and walks with Bip and Nic, big hugs and chats with Ella, Laura, Gryffyn, Gray, Dario, Sarah, Paul, Poppy, Dany, Hanna, Sonnet … I’ve missed the life I had there, and I realise just how lucky I’ve been to find such a magic place. the friends I’ve made there are so precious to me, and I’m lucky to still have so many of them in my life.

time on the coast reconnecting and breathing. challenging myself to recognise goodness and appreciate it. scary dreams with many ghosts - all of whom I miss. sometimes I open my mouth and shout as loud as I can without even making a sound - they stare back at me across the room without saying a word. funny feelings. I wake and it’s another day.

18 hours with Isaiah. a gift I couldn’t put a price on. wishing I could always have him near.

indulging in nostalgia, cheering for the 1975. euphoric screams to UGH!, somber feelings of saudade singing Paris. the heart beats! 

working again. it’s been a long time. today I wore an ironed shirt and pants and held myself accountable to a day of employment. there will be many more to come. I still function and breathe. I fulfil responsibilities and am still the same person I have always been.

and many more to come. <<

steps

trying to make things work. I am slow but lucky to have support around me. one day at a time.

I dreamt Eliu visited me last night. she seemed exhausted and when I woke I wish I could take a step down the hall and knock on her door. that life is so long ago, but when I’m with those friends in my dreams, it feels right, as though this is the dream, and we’re all still there. strange and silly and sometimes comforting until I wake up.

committing to a change. I’ve moved before, and no doubt will do so again in the future. I think of everyone I miss and try to remind myself that no matter how things have changed, no matter where those people or feelings are now, I can’t lose what they have meant. I feel pathetic a lot of the time, and I’m trying not to take myself too seriously.

the moth made me smile. <<

and on and on

the days keep coming. I wake and with time my stubbornness admits defeat - I’m out of bed and moving again. I breathe and think and exist in the house I’ve spent most of my life. I’m still here after all this time.

I don’t know what I’d do without mum and dad right now. they’ve been so patient and their care gives me cause to keep trying. friends have also been so kind. I’ll never really understand what motivates this generosity, but it gives me strength and reason to get out of bed.

fear of the future, stuck in the past. before bed I catch mysef hoping I might dream of Lewes or of people I miss. the idea of dreaming of people I can no longer be with as a way of feeling close to them. I will be missing people I love for as long as I live.

I need to start living again and I’m trying to make things work. believing in myself is not something I’m good at. I keep going. maybe it will work out. <<

march

we’re still here. one day at a time. fortunate to be held close and supported by my parents during this funny time in my existence.

songs that help sometimes:

~ atlantis, Noah Gundersen

~ distant solar systems, Julien Baker

~ bygones, Keaton Henson

~ true love waits, Radiohead

~ driver, Maya Hawke

~ from me the moon, Lav

~ Eugene, Sufjan Stevens

~ chewing cotton wool, the Japanese House

~ hit or miss, Alexander Biggs

I have no idea what I’m doing or where this is going. not a lot of sense, and I’m still missing every day. one day at a time. <<