I carry the distance between us like an anchor on my shoulders. traversing streets we've crossed together I commit to being outside of my head with other people, making my way to the park. friends share food and drinks and cigarettes. some ask about my arms. some ask about you. there is laughter and tangible joy in different shades and sounds. a chance to forget myself for a while.
but even here I can't forget you. worry persists like a black hole in my stomach, leaving me far from fit for care and conversation. and so, on someone's pillows on the grass, I rest my head and close my eyes. the afternoon sun sulks as I pretend to sleep, cradling myself in broken wings. in the dark I listen to and distract myself with other people without being there at all. I let their conversations fight for my attention, two tides stretching me out of too familiar shores of my self doubt and loathing. they talk about their dreams and medication and my furrowed brows. somebody kisses my forehead goodbye.
when I choose to wake the sky has changed. I can see half of the moon under the clouds. the sun is being swallowed by the pretty terrace houses. a beautiful goodbye before the night. even while you let the space between extend I hope you get to see it too.
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