since then

I've started riding again. my wrists are feeling stronger and I can use the brakes without any strain in my thumbs. it's good to be back on the road. not having to check the trams is wonderful and I hadn't realised how much I'd missed the wind in my face. this morning I charged down Sydney Road, Phoebe screaming what I can't right through my ears to hold my bleeding heart. it felt like flying. unsurprisingly the music is my medicine and fuel. Mitski and Sufjan et al. I skip man of the year, knowing he's not ready yet but may be soon.

the show went well. I wasn't enjoying it so much until we moved into the theatre last week. once we were in the rhythm and more familiar with each other we started to loosen and relax a little more. the other players were lovely. between long hours and the claws of our directors we managed to laugh a lot. my costumes were silly. the gravedigger wore dark denim overalls and boots. I think you would have liked him. the stage was a square, with audience skirting the show in each direction. I didn't invite anyone, though a few friends came along with flowers. I still hoped I'd hear you laughing in the dark one night.

do you know what you'll be for Halloween? I'd love to see your costume. I'm slowly finding armour for mine (my friend is lending me their chain mail). I want to be my favourite saint, the one they sold off as a witch and burnt alive for saying what she meant. when we still were I'd hoped we might end up dressing up together, like we had for the spaceship party. we turned the mirror in my room and painted faces on the floor. I wore your purple stars because you said they looked better on me. we danced with my friends and you kissed me in the pantry and the playground. we rode our bikes and sang and glowed together in the dark. 

at night I drink tea and listen to the static / what I remember / songs we played and breathed together. I wonder what you're doing / how you're feeling / where you are. I wonder if you read the letter / think of me. I wash my face and brush my teeth and I still think of you.