Saturday, August 3, 2024

doghole

I spoke with a friend tonight about people disappearing. we had been to a show and bought hot drinks in a cafe that stays open late. at some point we started talking about the stories we tell and believe about ourselves. whenever we are let down by somebody we love, the negative narrative is reinforced and the reflection in the mirror is uglier and more frail than before. my friend reflected that my response to being abandoned is to take responsibility for the avoidance of the ghosts. when people run away without explanation, I question what it was I did. in the story I tell myself, my behaviour or character or very being is reason enough to leave. maybe if I was less they might have stayed. maybe if I had done things differently. maybe if I was somebody else.

it’s hopeless to acknowledge that I have no control over somebody else’s actions or decisions to stay or go. if I feel so hopeless about the state of everything else, why can’t I accept this? 

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