the days pass. one rolled into another and we called it a new year. this meant something to some of us and less to others. I still let it weigh on me. I fold further into myself and wallow in a well of confused feelings I don’t even truly understand. a calendar is a calendar and time is what we decide it should be.
time back home over all too quickly. I relished what I could, always wishing for more space to be with myself and Joely and the cat that is growing too fast. my parents hold me and tell me that life will be good and I will make it all work. they have no need to tell me how lucky I am. I try my best to remind myself each day.
the uncertainty begins to feel less vague and more like an oncoming storm of dread. I think of the work I need to do to earn the money I need to sustain a life I need to live. where and who I want to be feels very far from possible right now. no difficulty to uncover the anger I feel with myself for avoiding the responsibility of living. I am one of the lucky ones.
clouds. I try to paint, write, draw. someday I will learn from this limbo. someday I will have something to say, a story to tell, the lightness to love and want to be once more.
‘I am a forest fire
and I am the fire
and I am the forest
and I am the witness watching it
I stand in the valley watching it
and you’re not there at all’ <<
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