heavy

there’s not a lot to say. the days pass and the problems persist. the weight of uncertainty is heavy on my shoulders. sometimes I find myself distracted, usually when in the company of others. I spend time with people I love and dance between gratitude for their care and guilt for not knowing how to move forward.

the past week has been a blur. goodbye to Pia, time with Nic and Mils in Melbourne. driving out to wish Nonna a happy 90th birthday. after nearly two decades of loneliness in the absence of her husband, she’s found joy with new friends at a nursing home. she laughs at anything now and sees only the best in her grandchildren. Isaiah and I stayed together for the two nights. never long enough.

he’s been learning how to make prints, and he carved one out just for me. I’d love to show you but the photos don’t seem to be working here anymore. everything he does is something to be admired and I wish I could be more like him.

I spent yesterday with Joel in his corner of the world. he’s finding things to keep him happy. learning to paint, planning travel. we called Nash. I miss them both. we all miss living together. we’re lucky to have something special to yearn for.

waiting at the departure gate. I don’t want to go home. there’s not really anything certain about what’s to come. I need to remind myself to be excited about the unrealised potential. there could be good things around the corner. I don’t know where I’m meant to go and I’m starting to be more open about this with those around me. it feels as though I’ve been stuck for quite a while. I need to change. <<