working

working my way back into my life. feeling held by friends here, home, and far away. counting blessings as I pull myself out of bed into the real world.

impromptu stucco fun times: late night mid level hangs with Mia and Leo, breakfast and walks with Bip and Nic, big hugs and chats with Ella, Laura, Gryffyn, Gray, Dario, Sarah, Paul, Poppy, Dany, Hanna, Sonnet … I’ve missed the life I had there, and I realise just how lucky I’ve been to find such a magic place. the friends I’ve made there are so precious to me, and I’m lucky to still have so many of them in my life.

time on the coast reconnecting and breathing. challenging myself to recognise goodness and appreciate it. scary dreams with many ghosts - all of whom I miss. sometimes I open my mouth and shout as loud as I can without even making a sound - they stare back at me across the room without saying a word. funny feelings. I wake and it’s another day.

18 hours with Isaiah. a gift I couldn’t put a price on. wishing I could always have him near.

indulging in nostalgia, cheering for the 1975. euphoric screams to UGH!, somber feelings of saudade singing Paris. the heart beats! 

working again. it’s been a long time. today I wore an ironed shirt and pants and held myself accountable to a day of employment. there will be many more to come. I still function and breathe. I fulfil responsibilities and am still the same person I have always been.

and many more to come. <<

steps

trying to make things work. I am slow but lucky to have support around me. one day at a time.

I dreamt Eliu visited me last night. she seemed exhausted and when I woke I wish I could take a step down the hall and knock on her door. that life is so long ago, but when I’m with those friends in my dreams, it feels right, as though this is the dream, and we’re all still there. strange and silly and sometimes comforting until I wake up.

committing to a change. I’ve moved before, and no doubt will do so again in the future. I think of everyone I miss and try to remind myself that no matter how things have changed, no matter where those people or feelings are now, I can’t lose what they have meant. I feel pathetic a lot of the time, and I’m trying not to take myself too seriously.

the moth made me smile. <<

and on and on

the days keep coming. I wake and with time my stubbornness admits defeat - I’m out of bed and moving again. I breathe and think and exist in the house I’ve spent most of my life. I’m still here after all this time.

I don’t know what I’d do without mum and dad right now. they’ve been so patient and their care gives me cause to keep trying. friends have also been so kind. I’ll never really understand what motivates this generosity, but it gives me strength and reason to get out of bed.

fear of the future, stuck in the past. before bed I catch mysef hoping I might dream of Lewes or of people I miss. the idea of dreaming of people I can no longer be with as a way of feeling close to them. I will be missing people I love for as long as I live.

I need to start living again and I’m trying to make things work. believing in myself is not something I’m good at. I keep going. maybe it will work out. <<

march

we’re still here. one day at a time. fortunate to be held close and supported by my parents during this funny time in my existence.

songs that help sometimes:

~ atlantis, Noah Gundersen

~ distant solar systems, Julien Baker

~ bygones, Keaton Henson

~ true love waits, Radiohead

~ driver, Maya Hawke

~ from me the moon, Lav

~ Eugene, Sufjan Stevens

~ chewing cotton wool, the Japanese House

~ hit or miss, Alexander Biggs

I have no idea what I’m doing or where this is going. not a lot of sense, and I’m still missing every day. one day at a time. <<

february

I see so many people persevere through ridiculous levels of hardship. there is a lot to admire, and I should use this to drive myself forward, to get back on track. but I struggle to escape the comparison trap.

I feel far from the world and the people I’ve been in the past. though I’m not lonely here, I continue to miss the places I can’t be and the people I can’t see. everything is very vague and uncertain looking ahead.

unsure of when this ends, what I’m meant to do. such a strange time, and it continues. I know I should try harder to make tomorrow a better day. most of the time it feels as though I can’t even string together a coherent thought. what a silly character I’ve become. <<

another day

I’m finding this period quite difficult. there’s a lot of doubt and a lack of faith that it’s going to work out. I’m lucky to have parents to lean on, though I wish I were stronger.

the world doesn’t stop when you’ve fallen down the stairs. I feel embarrassed by my lack of willpower to fix things and find the track again. before I would have believed in time helping, but I know this one is all on me.

I need to use my time with more intention and commit to believing I can make things work. there has been enough upset. I need to sort this out.

I miss life before this. like everything I miss, it feels impossibly out of reach. I don’t know what else to say. another day. <<

Phoebe

‘I cried at your show with the teenagers’

a little catharsis. a funny time and space right now. <<