february

I see so many people persevere through ridiculous levels of hardship. there is a lot to admire, and I should use this to drive myself forward, to get back on track. but I struggle to escape the comparison trap.

I feel far from the world and the people I’ve been in the past. though I’m not lonely here, I continue to miss the places I can’t be and the people I can’t see. everything is very vague and uncertain looking ahead.

unsure of when this ends, what I’m meant to do. such a strange time, and it continues. I know I should try harder to make tomorrow a better day. most of the time it feels as though I can’t even string together a coherent thought. what a silly character I’ve become. <<

another day

I’m finding this period quite difficult. there’s a lot of doubt and a lack of faith that it’s going to work out. I’m lucky to have parents to lean on, though I wish I were stronger.

the world doesn’t stop when you’ve fallen down the stairs. I feel embarrassed by my lack of willpower to fix things and find the track again. before I would have believed in time helping, but I know this one is all on me.

I need to use my time with more intention and commit to believing I can make things work. there has been enough upset. I need to sort this out.

I miss life before this. like everything I miss, it feels impossibly out of reach. I don’t know what else to say. another day. <<

Phoebe

‘I cried at your show with the teenagers’

a little catharsis. a funny time and space right now. <<

9120

I will continue to count the things that matter to me. there is always more to see and I will try to open my eyes.

14/1/2023

I find myself lacking purpose. it seems to be the case that this time of year leaves me feeling lost and overwhelmed. nothing really makes much sense at the moment. I’m meant to be finding work and a new home. this is something I should be excited for. right now, I feel detached. recognising how lucky I am to have a home with my family, I feel guilty for being so deflated.

things aren’t really falling into place at the moment. I distract myself where possible and avoid the problems. this is something I need to work on. I’ll add it to the list.

I am lucky and I need to remind myself this. looking for purpose and answers to why I’m here. sometimes I doubt they even exist. strange feelings. <<

Sunny etc.

it’s all familiar very quickly. my room is the same as it’s been for years, though we have a new cat. his name is Sunny and he’s looked after me a great deal.

my birthday was my birthday. great uncle Kevin passed away (over in the states), so Zi and I spent time with Carol. Blake visited for Christmas and New Years. tried to be present and appreciate what I have around me.

this time of year always makes me feel uncertain and cloudy (without fail). in the embrace of a home I’m still lucky to have I look forward, hoping to see through the fog.

I will always miss and wish. I will always be confused. I will always have good to cherish and other things to learn from. I will always have more to learn. <<

on my way home

on my way home today. didn’t anticipate the stopover in Melbourne, but excited to be with my family again. there’s a cat at home I still haven’t met. I doubt the tree’s up yet. things to look forward to.

Sydney has been a whirlwind. I’m lucky to have found Stucco and the friendships it has given me. closing off my time with dinner (Indian witj Georgia, Francesca and Blake) before Gryffyn and Bec’s party with an all star lineup of personal favourite people. my heart is full, and I cherish these blessings in the face of the uncertainty of what’s to come.

a big week for Blake. graduating alongside Julia Gillard (an unexpected treat), acting as mc and interviewing for television, birthday. I’m very proud of him. it’s a joy to be spending time with him again.

Lou’s anniversary on Friday. a little hard to believe it’s been seven years. and it’s strange to think that one day can have such a profound impact on the direction of so many lives. I believe that words fail when it comes to trying to make sense of what happened and the consequences of losing somebody you care about. I’m no more certain about what it means now than I was five or six years ago. the 16th of December will always be a sobering reminder of a friend who should still be alive. I wonder if we’d still know each other. I’ve lost touch with many people who have meant a lot to me. I’m lucky I still have her, even just the memories and the thought of plodding along for her.

a lot of feelings. I don’t want to turn 24, I don’t like birthdays. what’s new? I have to remind myself I actually went back to Lewes unless I’m asked about my trip. time, time, time. so strange. I don’t like that another day older matters so much to me. I’ll get over it someday. <<