without words

I have nothing to say. without words there is nothing to carry the weight of the tides in this morbid mind of mine. every day I wake and want to be more than I think I can. comparison is a vulture and she swoops straight for the achilles. the heel bleeds tears I waste on my reflection, despite all the good and the light that still gets in. at the end of the day I let go of the tasks that make my time mean nothing and the footage of the flames and all I see is what I lack. the game continues then: I chase distraction from the space I hold and who I am in channels that will never last. no matter where I run it’s never far enough. the static always comes and every path pulls me back to where I was before.

I have nothing to say. without words I don’t know how to wash away the ties that bind me to the anchor. on the way home from the rally a friend tells me he is happy about how things are going. I wonder if he means it and can’t remember if I’ve ever felt the same. for a moment I play with the idea that this matters in the face of a broken world and the death of humanity streaming live for our viewing pleasure whenever we choose to wake up.

on my phone there’s a child stuck in the empty space between apartment blocks and supermarkets deconstructed by the missiles they make near my house. he can’t stand but he screams and waves his hands until a group of others come to his aid. I watch a bomb fall from the sky and cover them in clouds. we can’t tell if anyone survived and there is nothing I can do. I am angry and ungrateful and my feelings will not stop the bombs.