heavy

there’s not a lot to say. the days pass and the problems persist. the weight of uncertainty is heavy on my shoulders. sometimes I find myself distracted, usually when in the company of others. I spend time with people I love and dance between gratitude for their care and guilt for not knowing how to move forward.

the past week has been a blur. goodbye to Pia, time with Nic and Mils in Melbourne. driving out to wish Nonna a happy 90th birthday. after nearly two decades of loneliness in the absence of her husband, she’s found joy with new friends at a nursing home. she laughs at anything now and sees only the best in her grandchildren. Isaiah and I stayed together for the two nights. never long enough.

he’s been learning how to make prints, and he carved one out just for me. I’d love to show you but the photos don’t seem to be working here anymore. everything he does is something to be admired and I wish I could be more like him.

I spent yesterday with Joel in his corner of the world. he’s finding things to keep him happy. learning to paint, planning travel. we called Nash. I miss them both. we all miss living together. we’re lucky to have something special to yearn for.

waiting at the departure gate. I don’t want to go home. there’s not really anything certain about what’s to come. I need to remind myself to be excited about the unrealised potential. there could be good things around the corner. I don’t know where I’m meant to go and I’m starting to be more open about this with those around me. it feels as though I’ve been stuck for quite a while. I need to change. <<

knots

in the heat the days absorb into each other, one heavy night to the next. a lot of time spent caught up chasing myself in circles and tripping over the knots I tie. obsessed with what I’m missing and lacking, the person I want but never can be - all despite knowing it all goes nowhere, and that even if it did, none of this matters in the face of everything else. I see footage of bombs and red carpets and crying children and golden statues and words lose any sway they once held over me.

dreams of ghosts and people I miss. days of wishing things were different, that I could be somebody else - all despite knowing how lucky I’ve been. I shake my head at my own reflection. something about gratitude and getting over whatever this is. <<

14.01

one day at a time. they roll into each other and sometimes they mean something. there’s no stopping them and a part of being here is learning to be okay with this.

I escaped to camp for the week, up here and away from home this time. strange to be doing something so familiar and sacred to me with nobody I know. I missed my people, the games and songs and the kids. a precious escape regardless. I spent down time thinking a lot about how camp shaped my adolescence and elements of the person I inhabit. I used to camp with my brothers. the thought of camp pulled me through miserable high school terms. I’d skip weeks of classes for camp in later years at university. nearly 12 years now. I seem to learn something new every time. I see how lucky I am to know the warmth of these spaces, and I relish the escape into a world where what’s important is clear and simple.

I attend the rally on Saturdays and I welcome the tears that come with the reminder that no matter my pursuit of stability or joy, the world is unkind. we chant and walk and I wish there was something more to give. something I could give up for the sake of someone who could actually need it. I struggle to rationalise the universal expectation for us all to want to participate in a world defined by such hypocrisy and hate. there are reasons to pray and at night I still do.

January 14 is a heavy day. three years now. I am still moving and being regardless of the storms and the reflection I see in the shards of memories I can’t avoid. I fold another crane. one day at a time. 

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passing by

the days pass. one rolled into another and we called it a new year. this meant something to some of us and less to others. I still let it weigh on me. I fold further into myself and wallow in a well of confused feelings I don’t even truly understand. a calendar is a calendar and time is what we decide it should be.

time back home over all too quickly. I relished what I could, always wishing for more space to be with myself and Joely and the cat that is growing too fast. my parents hold me and tell me that life will be good and I will make it all work. they have no need to tell me how lucky I am. I try my best to remind myself each day.

the uncertainty begins to feel less vague and more like an oncoming storm of dread. I think of the work I need to do to earn the money I need to sustain a life I need to live. where and who I want to be feels very far from possible right now. no difficulty to uncover the anger I feel with myself for avoiding the responsibility of living. I am one of the lucky ones.

clouds. I try to paint, write, draw. someday I will learn from this limbo. someday I will have something to say, a story to tell, the lightness to love and want to be once more. 

‘I am a forest fire

and I am the fire

and I am the forest

and I am the witness watching it

I stand in the valley watching it

and you’re not there at all’ <<