safe and happy

November now. bonfire night. the storefronts in Lewes high street would be all boarded up and ready for the festivities tonight. this time last year I was in the crowd with some of my dear friends. we revisited the world we used to call our own and burnt our fears on paper cranes. like my fears, thoughts of that life and the things I miss still linger. I will always be missing something or someone, no matter who or where I am.

we wrappped up another play. this one was a hard slog - the text was confusing and a bit rough around the edges. two week season. Isaiah came to watch, as did Mils. we pulled through and I was lucky enough to make some new friends.

I see people I miss in dreams and wake to the reality of their absence, sobered in sadness. my best friends are out of reach. I listen to my heart and try to sit with how I’m feeling. some nights I feel like a child and just want to go home. it can feel like everything’s spiralled out of control - ‘this is just a nightmare, soon I’m going to wake up…’ I listen to music and call my parents to hear their voices. sometimes I look at old photos and count what I’ve had as treasures that might not have lasted, but can’t be truly lost. I remind myself I am lucky.

I wonder if they’re doing okay out there. selfishly, I wonder if they ever think of me. I hope they’re safe and happy. <<