Friday, November 20, 2020

11 months

it’s over 11 months since I’ve been home now. nearly a whole year has passed since we said goodbye to Lewes and each other before returning to the homes we knew before. the thought saddens me and though the feelings are so strong there’s little I can do with them. I wish time would slow down, though I have no excuses and feel foolish to still be so lost in these memories and my missing.

in a month’s time I’ll be 22. I’ve never liked birthdays, and I’ve wished for a long time that I wouldn’t have to face this one. so much of my time is spent wishing time would stop, and worrying about what it’s passing means for me and my world. I’m older now than I was in Lewes, and I’ll continue to grow so until the end of my days. in growing older I grow further from the person I was and the people I loved there. already they seem so far away, and I can’t bear the thought of being pulled further. some nights I worry I’ll never see them again, and that even if I do, no brief encounter could ever hope to fill the emptiness I’ve found in their absence. I’m left thinking this might have been easier had I never been lucky enough to meet them at all.
I lose drive and I miss. a lot of the time I question whether my missing means anything. I worry I’m alone in wishing I could go back and live in those precious months forever. and though I know how hopeless it is to wish for something so impossible, I keep dreaming of the village and my friends and the life we shared together. nothing makes sense, and though this was still the case for me in Lewes, at least I enjoyed the distraction of my friends and the wonderful world we found. even now words overwhelm and I’m left feeling an absolute mess. I wonder if it will ever change. << x

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