two months

they’ve flown by. I’ve been home over two months now. sometimes it feels as if the whole adventure never really happened, it’s so distant. but most nights I’m back there in my dreams.

I talk to my friends overseas as often as I can. the time differences make things difficult, but I’m grateful to know they’re still around. I miss them so much and part of me wishes our time together never ended. it’s something that really can’t be explained if I’m being honest.

uni goes back on Monday. I don’t know how ready I am to be studying again, especially without room 53 and Lansdown and the people that made Lewes so special. time and distance have separated me from these people who I miss so dearly. I move forward and try to keep the spirit ofit all alive as I keep going. << x

missing

I’ve spent the past fortnight in and out of kids camps. over the past eight years these have been a consistent part of my life during school holidays. they’ve become some sort of a safe haven for me. being back was like coming home. everything clicked into place seamlessly and I felt comfortable, that I was in the right place.

last night I dreamt I returned to Lewes for the spring semester. seeing my friends was wonderful. we hugged very tightly and I never wanted to let them go. I woke up. luckily, I spent the weekend visiting family friends, whom I love, and spent the morning with them.

I don’t know where this is going, but I spend much of my time missing and feeling out of touch. tonight I spoke with a friend from my exchange, who told me she was visiting Lewes on the weekend. it seems so far away from me now. to be there, walking those streets and seeing those faces, feels impossible. it’s what I wish I had right now.

whilst I seem to be sitting in a lack of clarity I know I’m lucky and I remain grateful - I try to remember the importance of this. I want to be productive and do good things for others and myself. I nap a lot instead, but I know I’ll get there. I keep trying << x.

one month

it’s been a month since I arrived home. I’ve been back for a month, surrounded by family and friends and a familiar environment I seemed to have missed so much during my time away. being here helps me realise how lucky I am. there is so much for me to be grateful for, and these people do so much to make me feel loved and appreciated.

whilst I sleep, more often than not I find myself back in Lewes. whether it’s on the bus to rehearsals, at Lansdown or in room 53 with my beautiful friends, it feels as though my dreams are my waking up from my days at home. it’s lovely to see my friends from far away in these dreams. but waking up is always difficult.

I stayed on camp for a bit this week. it helped me refocus on what is important in my life, and what I generally care about. the kids were fantastic and over the course of three days I was lucky to find some purpose and develop some meaningful connections. I’m lucky to still have camp.

I just heard from Jan, just through a voice message. he was talking about how our time in Lewes feels so long ago, because we are all so far away. I guess I understand, though I still seem to see him and everyone in my sleep, so it’s harder to recognise. I miss that life so much. << x

new year

the new age is here. 2020. I’m spending the first few nights camping on Bruny Island with my brother and parents. I can hear the waves crashing against the sand from a distance, it’s actually quite calming. we’re far from any buildings, and I’m lying in my tent with my brother.

it’s strange thinking of my time away as from another year, another decade all together. I’ve been home fifteen days, which has breezed by. despite this, it has felt as though I never left, and I often find myself wondering if it really happened or if I dreamed it up. sometimes it feels that way, when I wake up from what I thought was a trip to TESCO or tea night in room 53 to the realisation I’d been dreaming in my sleep.

I’ve been sleeping lots. I want to read and write and talk to those people I miss so much, but my energy is low at the moment. I’ll write to you soon. I hope the new year has welcomed you warmly. sending all my love << x

2019

I always find endings difficult to stomach. it’s New Year’s Eve and I’m left wondering what it all means. the adventure was unlike anything I’d ever think of, and it has stayed with me in many ways.

I still talk to my friends from that life. I look at our photos and listen to our songs and in my dreams we’re often back there in that dusty old hotel, together, as if nothing changed and our other lives continued as though they never stopped. time passes, and I’ve nearly been home a whole fortnight. I’m continually overwhelmed by my distance from that other world, in both time and geography.

we walk into a new decade. what this means for me is something I’m yet to discover. I remain grateful for all I’ve been given and continue to count myself lucky. every question and doubt I have exists for a reason and I know that one day it will start to make more sense. I miss that world and I fear the future and my hopes and many things, though I’m safe and lucky and remain thankful for this.

do I hold on forever? does living with this new lens become less frustrating? time will tell. and time passes as I type and sleep and dream and think. I’ll write back soon

<< x

Christmas

it’s just hit midnight on December 25th. Christmas. I’ve now been home just under a week, and the whirlwind has hardly stopped. reflecting and coming to terms with everything has been close to impossible, but I don’t want to sound ungrateful - my family and friends have been beyond wonderful, and it is such a treat to be spending time with them again.

I turned 21 on Friday, something I’ve been dreading for a while. another year older. time is something I continue to struggle with, and birthdays always seem to trouble me. bittersweet celebrations of progress and distancing from simpler times. my friends and family spoiled me, and I was lucky to spend time with many of those I love and hear from others I miss overseas.

I left the church as soon as mass finished tonight. the room was full of familiar faces, many friends from childhood and cousins and I guess I wasn’t ready to smile and talk, as if by putting off the hugs and welcome backs I could live as though my other life was ongoing and hadn’t ended. strange feelings. I called Nash, one of my dear friends from America today, and he seems to understand my confusion. I’m grateful for that.

I miss the lodge and I miss the people. I wish I could hug them for Christmas and every other day. I hope they know how dearly I wish I could see them << x

Melbourne

sitting at the departure gate for my final flight: Melbourne to Hobart. in just over two hours I’ll be with mum and Isaiah, and I’m sure the whole thing will feel like a blur. did it all really happen? I remember my departure from this building five months ago so vividly. has it really come and gone, just like that?

my other life is growing further away. I can no longer hold the people close, but as this dawns on me more, I come closer to my old life, with what I felt as comfortable and my everything just months ago. the sun is shining, and instead of cradling tea and biscuits in 53 with my international family, I’ll be swimming at Hinsby or Kingston before I know it.

we were told about reverse culture shock before leaving for exchange. I guess it’s time for me to be ready for whatever the next few weeks bring. readjusting to the normalcy of my Tasmanian existence will take time and patience, but I know just how lucky I am to be surrounded by such a precious circle of people at home.

I don’t want to end that life over there. it meant the world to me and those people have a piece of my heart. adventuring Europe and living in Lewes has been transformative for me, and I’ll continue to reflect and try to make sense of it all. nothing lasts, but nothing is lost << x