I pay someone $180 to ask how I plan to take responsibility for the life I’ve been neglecting. my responses are unconvincing but she listens and I believe her sympathy (it costs more than enough).
a friend I love tells me I owe myself more. I wonder what more I have to give. already so much time spent dissecting myself - I would have hoped to have reached a point at least a little closer to satisfaction by now. I want to get over the reflection in my mind and the mirror. I want to exorcise the parasite. I want to care again. my boulder is nothing in the face of so much I see on my phone. the world can be much worse. the spiral winds with or without me.
I wake from one dream into another. asleep in a cinema to lie by the side of the road, waiting to watch the neighbour’s car flip over. the playwright asks me to infiltrate a cult for his birthday (who am I to let him down?) we break into the old church at night, pulling apart the bricks to find my grandfather’s tombstone. a night guard comes to say hello. wake to sweat through sheets round limbs too long and empty time to spoil with thought.
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