how to burden

I sleep through my alarm and wake a little later than I'd like. the day feels wasted although there's still a lot of it left. I tell myself I'll write and hate myself for trying. at this point I specialise in making excuses to not bother trying. when I make time to stop and sit with what needs fixing I'm no closer to knowing what to do than I am happy with the way things are. I fill empty time to hide from my reflection: running, reading, taking out the bins. any chance to turn from what it is I should be doing. I go to the movies alone and listen to the people laugh. the Russian boy makes a mess with lots of money. running from his problems only causing more for others. we both know how to burden but he has a private jet.

my friend talks about setting goals to work towards. we eat Chinese where they do $5 drinks all night. he wants to get better at French and plans to sit a test in November. I'm glad he has something he wants.

before bed I pray for more dreams. it's all a lot of thinking about myself, without ever going anywhere good. I still read the news (still just as sickening) but seem to think about it less. rich people lying and more people dying. collective anger wanes, and I am just the same as every face and smoothie bowl on my phone. is my heart shrinking? apathy spreads, no longer locked away in the cell just for me myself and I. I care a lot less than I have and I should. what a shame.

I try to write until the tea is cold and I've lost an hour to disappointment. no words I find reflect the way I want to speak about these things. easier to listen than to live and tell.