parasite

no matter how aware I am of the adversity faced by those around and far from me, my dependence on external validation cripples every step and thought I make. this parasite sucks time and joy, forever injecting its poisonous vanity and self obsession into my very being. I wish I could swat it out. every day I watch footage of bombs dropping on schools and children crying for parents and parents mourning children slaughtered by armed forces funded by my own taxes. every night I walk past people sleeping on park benches or sidewalks as I make my way home to a hot cup of tea. I know the world is so much bigger than my own insecurity. and yet the parasite stings. please like me. please like me. please. do I impress you? am I important? do you miss me? will I matter? have you forgotten?

I distract myself from the knowledge that none of this matters in the face of a race doomed to destruction by its own hands. the insecurities come to play, and more often than not they keep me from facing this bigger problem. but I also spend time with others. this helps. I feel loved sometimes and for a moment, without ever realising at the time, I’m no longer fixated on everything wrong with myself or this world. I feel love for people and I hold that in my heart. it helps.

I miss Jenae already but really haven’t stopped since she left. distraction. she joins the ranks of people I love and can no longer hold, at least for now. a lot of missing. a lot of longing for time and distance to mean a lot less. distraction. <<