the presence of a new job fuels my excuses for not thinking beyond necessity and what it is I need. I am tired because of work. I haven’t written in weeks because of work. I am yet to find something to audition for because of work. projecting blame for my own inability to take responsibility for how my time and energy is spent. whilst pathetic, I see what I am doing and want to work towards change.
I eat and I wash and I sleep. I spend time with friends and they make me laugh. on my phone I see people dying. there’s an encampment on campus in front of the old building - the one the settlers modelled after Oxford or Cambridge. I slept over on Friday in a tent with people I used to live with. a teacher told us about her experience making movies with Palestinian children living in camps over the course of 18 years. she kept talking and would nod her head in a way that reminded me of my mother’s cousins in Italy. at the rally today Palestine was referred to as the university of the world - from which we are all learning more about the destruction and devastating lack of humanity our species are capable of.
I think about this human project and try to rationalise existing as an inherently self-interested being despite my awareness of the cruelness of this world. sometimes I wonder about where this is all going, though I still eat chocolate and shave my face and spend money on things I don’t really need. existing peacefully in this feels paradoxical.
in the face of a lack of sense I’m drawn in and out of half remembered dreams of people I miss and moments in time I’ve lost to the past. I wake and I stretch and I boil the kettle. the faces blur and by breakfast I remember little more than how I felt in the liminal space between sleep and knowingly being. <<
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