2019

I always find endings difficult to stomach. it’s New Year’s Eve and I’m left wondering what it all means. the adventure was unlike anything I’d ever think of, and it has stayed with me in many ways.

I still talk to my friends from that life. I look at our photos and listen to our songs and in my dreams we’re often back there in that dusty old hotel, together, as if nothing changed and our other lives continued as though they never stopped. time passes, and I’ve nearly been home a whole fortnight. I’m continually overwhelmed by my distance from that other world, in both time and geography.

we walk into a new decade. what this means for me is something I’m yet to discover. I remain grateful for all I’ve been given and continue to count myself lucky. every question and doubt I have exists for a reason and I know that one day it will start to make more sense. I miss that world and I fear the future and my hopes and many things, though I’m safe and lucky and remain thankful for this.

do I hold on forever? does living with this new lens become less frustrating? time will tell. and time passes as I type and sleep and dream and think. I’ll write back soon

<< x

Christmas

it’s just hit midnight on December 25th. Christmas. I’ve now been home just under a week, and the whirlwind has hardly stopped. reflecting and coming to terms with everything has been close to impossible, but I don’t want to sound ungrateful - my family and friends have been beyond wonderful, and it is such a treat to be spending time with them again.

I turned 21 on Friday, something I’ve been dreading for a while. another year older. time is something I continue to struggle with, and birthdays always seem to trouble me. bittersweet celebrations of progress and distancing from simpler times. my friends and family spoiled me, and I was lucky to spend time with many of those I love and hear from others I miss overseas.

I left the church as soon as mass finished tonight. the room was full of familiar faces, many friends from childhood and cousins and I guess I wasn’t ready to smile and talk, as if by putting off the hugs and welcome backs I could live as though my other life was ongoing and hadn’t ended. strange feelings. I called Nash, one of my dear friends from America today, and he seems to understand my confusion. I’m grateful for that.

I miss the lodge and I miss the people. I wish I could hug them for Christmas and every other day. I hope they know how dearly I wish I could see them << x

Melbourne

sitting at the departure gate for my final flight: Melbourne to Hobart. in just over two hours I’ll be with mum and Isaiah, and I’m sure the whole thing will feel like a blur. did it all really happen? I remember my departure from this building five months ago so vividly. has it really come and gone, just like that?

my other life is growing further away. I can no longer hold the people close, but as this dawns on me more, I come closer to my old life, with what I felt as comfortable and my everything just months ago. the sun is shining, and instead of cradling tea and biscuits in 53 with my international family, I’ll be swimming at Hinsby or Kingston before I know it.

we were told about reverse culture shock before leaving for exchange. I guess it’s time for me to be ready for whatever the next few weeks bring. readjusting to the normalcy of my Tasmanian existence will take time and patience, but I know just how lucky I am to be surrounded by such a precious circle of people at home.

I don’t want to end that life over there. it meant the world to me and those people have a piece of my heart. adventuring Europe and living in Lewes has been transformative for me, and I’ll continue to reflect and try to make sense of it all. nothing lasts, but nothing is lost << x

Shanghai

I’m currently sitting at gate 19 of Shanghai Airport (terminal 1). I’ve called my parents and home feels closer than ever. I’m still hearing from my friends from exchange, and I’m the closest I’ll be to both worlds. it’s odd to think that they’re so far apart.

sleeping on international flights should be easier. oddly enough I don’t feel overly tired - I guess I’m excited to be seeing my family very soon. I completed the final journal entry of my adventure on the plane, and feel as though I should do some reading or writing, but my head is in a different place right now. a lot of thinking going on.

sleep will help me realise it’s over. for now that fact isn’t real, I’m just outside both worlds right now. this is somewhat comfortable at the moment - the same distance from each life. its all a little surreal << x

thoughts in Costa

I’m currently sitting at Costa Coffee in the departure duty free zone of Heathrow Airport, Terminal 4. I’ve folded my final crane in the UK, and I board my flight in under an hour.

I’ve spent the past three days saying farewell to friends I now hold close to my heart. today I visited the final gallery of my adventure - the national Gallery. the paintings were magical, and I realised I’d spent some of my most precious moments of solitude over the past five months in galleries across Europe. what was different this time was the fact I was leaving in a matter of hours, and exploring the gallery with me were a handful of friends I’d made.

the paintings were glorious, and every time I turned an corner to face a new wall of masterpieces I wished nothing more than to be holding the hand of Carol (my grandmother), and enjoying the experience with her. instead, I held the hands of my friends and savoured it all.

it was my cousin’s wedding on Saturday. as I was packing my bags and preparing to leave the lodge, I was called by my parents on the dance floor. a truly bittersweet moment: wishing I could hold my Lewes family close forever, but craving to be with my family and loved ones at home. it’s complex and overwhelming and I’m sure it’s something I’ll continue to contemplate for a while now.

for five months I’ve fallen in love with places and people and pass times across the continent. my gorgeous Italian family, and the lovely Piruccios. my Norwegian family, and those friends I made through missing trains and hostel jumping across Hamburg, Berlin, Amsterdam and Bruges. Fynn and his beautiful housemates in Freiburg. my Eddie Ricers in Geneva, Maylis and Louie in beautiful Paris. Lewes: my international family.

my heart is full. it’s odd. I’m unsure how I’m meant to be feeling. today is particularly strange as it marks four years since the passing of someone very special to me. I recall the day vividly and it overwhelms me more on these anniversaries. feelings of distress, insecurity, and concern transforming into those of disbelief and numbness. this was a day that has s haped me more than most other days. I don’t forget it, and more importantly I don’t forget her.

this adventure has been some sort of an escape for me from things I struggle to handle. as overwhelming as it’s often been, I realise just how lucky I’ve been. I know she’s been with me along the way, holding my hand and helping me out. I’ve seen her in the people who’ve found me and reopened my eyes to the fact that life is beautiful and there will always be reasons to love.

I’ve got some journaling to do, but I’ll try to write when I land in Shanghai. on our first family adventure to Europe in 2007 we were diverted to Shanghai before heading to Heathrow. funny how things happen, like running into a Tasmanian friend in the Louvre, or finding a family in the crumbling remains of a hotel in historic Lewes << x

leaving Lewes, London still

leaving Lewes was an event. this final week has been a blur of laughter and singing and dancing and tears and beers and hugs galore. we’ve had many lasts... last trip to TESCO, last pasta night, last visit to Lansdown (our favourite pub, twenty seconds down the road), last movie night, last walk around the little piece of heaven that is my rainy British town.

saying goodbye to my uni friends was bittersweet. I hosted the Timepieces gang for dinner at the lodge, and showed them my room and Lansdown. they have been so kind to me and I will miss them dearly. I also caught up with Simon, my first uni friend after whom my pot plant was named. a wonderful soul, he had been so kind to me and I have promised myself never to forget the fun times we’ve shared.

we celebrated Meredith and Vergil’s 21st birthdays with a midnight party in the kitchen, dancing and singing until we fell asleep. I treasured that night, just as I treasured our final night in the lodge. Jan, Emma and I bought takeaway from the best Thai place in town, before we all headed down to Lansdown one last time. we danced to Doin’ Time for the last time in a while. we cried and hugged and drank and went back up to 53, my room and our safe haven, and laughed the night away. I woke up at 3am face down beside Jan - apparently we’d both been snoring, which made me laugh. a fantastic night.

we went to Karafe - our favourite cafe and study spot - for our final breakfast (which meant one last milkshake for me). the goodbyes continues and the tears kept coming. after cleaning the room one final time, I wrote a letter for the next tenant, leaving it in the sock drawer for them. we caught the train, a group of us together, hugging Stacy, Eliu and Emma goodbye. we’d said goodbye to Fania, Joel, Liberty, Pach, Alex and many others. on the train we farewelled Fieke and Mat at Gatwick.

arriving in London, it was time to part ways with Jan. Jan has looked after me for three months now, and I can’t really remember how I went about things and loved each day without laughing with him. hugging Jan goodbye was hard, as was saying farewell to Nash early this morning. both have been godsends for me, and I’ll hold my memories and friendships with them both close to my heart. Lukas also left this morning, my wonderful friend who I already miss dearly. I just hugged Meredith goodbye and now feel very empty.

one more night in London with Nadia and Mike. it’s a strange feeling, people already heading home. I’m in London still. I’ve left Lewes but I’m not home yet. an inbetween that feels unnecessary but gives me time to reflect and reconnect with myself and where I am right now. my heart is full and confused and missing those I love. ‘to be alive is to be missing’ << x

BA

tonight I submitted my final assessment. I closed my laptop and realised I had completed my undergraduate degree. a sense of relief and an overwhelming disbelief at the fact that this has just happened so quickly. I’m content, just slightly confused at the moment.

my time studying at university since leaving college has been strange. it’s a different lifestyle, with less friends and more time alone, in my own company with the space to think and make realisations and consider myself and others in different ways. I miss school. I don’t think I ever really understood uni that much until coming to Sussex if I’m completely honest. I guess the real experience is only really had if you’re living with others in the same boat as you - studying and bussing and hauling bags up the hill from Tesco.

I’ve had a wonderful weekend with my friends. trips to the pub and a final walk along the seven sisters. milkshakes in Carafe (our favourite cafe), movie nights and tea. many things to miss. we’re spending our final nights in each other’s company, and we all know the time is precious. it’s strange to think I’ll be home this time next week. I’m beyond excited to see my loved ones, whilst sad to say goodbye to this life.

beginnings and endings. the time has flown, and with four nights left at the study lodge, I recognise how lucky I’ve been to find these people and this town and this escape from reality for a while. it will take time for me to process it all, but I remind myself to be content in absorbing the feelings and memories this week brings << x

Christmas lights

we leave the study lodge in eight sleeps. it’s all becoming a little more real for us all. people are spending more time in the common room, giving more hugs, wanting to spend as much time together as possible.

I’m hugging everyone whilst I can. going on walks, hosting movie nights, sharing pasta. I miss everyone at home so much, but right now my heart is here, and I wish I could spend more time with these people who right now mean so much to me. tomorrow some of us hope to return to seven sisters and do that glorious walk again. everything is coming full circle and I guess it’s a bittersweet feeling.

Jan has had his lovely girlfriend Freya stay with us, and I’ve loved meeting her. we laugh a lot and each of my friends goes out of their way to make each other feel appreciated. with my drama friends, I went to a student play last weekend. Lauren, Rachel, Adam and Sam have been so kind to me, and I will always treasure Timepieces and the moments I’ve been lucky to share with them during my term here.

last night, Lewes closed off High Street for a nighttime Christmas shopping community event. mulled wine, chestnuts and Christmas carols. lights and trees and smiles everywhere, in the freezing cold. this is the Christmas season I thought only existed in books and films. it’s wonderful and I’m lucky to be savouring every moment of it.

one week left in this beautiful town with these precious people. I stay grateful as I go. << x