2019

I always find endings difficult to stomach. it’s New Year’s Eve and I’m left wondering what it all means. the adventure was unlike anything I’d ever think of, and it has stayed with me in many ways.

I still talk to my friends from that life. I look at our photos and listen to our songs and in my dreams we’re often back there in that dusty old hotel, together, as if nothing changed and our other lives continued as though they never stopped. time passes, and I’ve nearly been home a whole fortnight. I’m continually overwhelmed by my distance from that other world, in both time and geography.

we walk into a new decade. what this means for me is something I’m yet to discover. I remain grateful for all I’ve been given and continue to count myself lucky. every question and doubt I have exists for a reason and I know that one day it will start to make more sense. I miss that world and I fear the future and my hopes and many things, though I’m safe and lucky and remain thankful for this.

do I hold on forever? does living with this new lens become less frustrating? time will tell. and time passes as I type and sleep and dream and think. I’ll write back soon

<< x

Christmas

it’s just hit midnight on December 25th. Christmas. I’ve now been home just under a week, and the whirlwind has hardly stopped. reflecting and coming to terms with everything has been close to impossible, but I don’t want to sound ungrateful - my family and friends have been beyond wonderful, and it is such a treat to be spending time with them again.

I turned 21 on Friday, something I’ve been dreading for a while. another year older. time is something I continue to struggle with, and birthdays always seem to trouble me. bittersweet celebrations of progress and distancing from simpler times. my friends and family spoiled me, and I was lucky to spend time with many of those I love and hear from others I miss overseas.

I left the church as soon as mass finished tonight. the room was full of familiar faces, many friends from childhood and cousins and I guess I wasn’t ready to smile and talk, as if by putting off the hugs and welcome backs I could live as though my other life was ongoing and hadn’t ended. strange feelings. I called Nash, one of my dear friends from America today, and he seems to understand my confusion. I’m grateful for that.

I miss the lodge and I miss the people. I wish I could hug them for Christmas and every other day. I hope they know how dearly I wish I could see them << x

Melbourne

sitting at the departure gate for my final flight: Melbourne to Hobart. in just over two hours I’ll be with mum and Isaiah, and I’m sure the whole thing will feel like a blur. did it all really happen? I remember my departure from this building five months ago so vividly. has it really come and gone, just like that?

my other life is growing further away. I can no longer hold the people close, but as this dawns on me more, I come closer to my old life, with what I felt as comfortable and my everything just months ago. the sun is shining, and instead of cradling tea and biscuits in 53 with my international family, I’ll be swimming at Hinsby or Kingston before I know it.

we were told about reverse culture shock before leaving for exchange. I guess it’s time for me to be ready for whatever the next few weeks bring. readjusting to the normalcy of my Tasmanian existence will take time and patience, but I know just how lucky I am to be surrounded by such a precious circle of people at home.

I don’t want to end that life over there. it meant the world to me and those people have a piece of my heart. adventuring Europe and living in Lewes has been transformative for me, and I’ll continue to reflect and try to make sense of it all. nothing lasts, but nothing is lost << x

Shanghai

I’m currently sitting at gate 19 of Shanghai Airport (terminal 1). I’ve called my parents and home feels closer than ever. I’m still hearing from my friends from exchange, and I’m the closest I’ll be to both worlds. it’s odd to think that they’re so far apart.

sleeping on international flights should be easier. oddly enough I don’t feel overly tired - I guess I’m excited to be seeing my family very soon. I completed the final journal entry of my adventure on the plane, and feel as though I should do some reading or writing, but my head is in a different place right now. a lot of thinking going on.

sleep will help me realise it’s over. for now that fact isn’t real, I’m just outside both worlds right now. this is somewhat comfortable at the moment - the same distance from each life. its all a little surreal << x

thoughts in Costa

I’m currently sitting at Costa Coffee in the departure duty free zone of Heathrow Airport, Terminal 4. I’ve folded my final crane in the UK, and I board my flight in under an hour.

I’ve spent the past three days saying farewell to friends I now hold close to my heart. today I visited the final gallery of my adventure - the national Gallery. the paintings were magical, and I realised I’d spent some of my most precious moments of solitude over the past five months in galleries across Europe. what was different this time was the fact I was leaving in a matter of hours, and exploring the gallery with me were a handful of friends I’d made.

the paintings were glorious, and every time I turned an corner to face a new wall of masterpieces I wished nothing more than to be holding the hand of Carol (my grandmother), and enjoying the experience with her. instead, I held the hands of my friends and savoured it all.

it was my cousin’s wedding on Saturday. as I was packing my bags and preparing to leave the lodge, I was called by my parents on the dance floor. a truly bittersweet moment: wishing I could hold my Lewes family close forever, but craving to be with my family and loved ones at home. it’s complex and overwhelming and I’m sure it’s something I’ll continue to contemplate for a while now.

for five months I’ve fallen in love with places and people and pass times across the continent. my gorgeous Italian family, and the lovely Piruccios. my Norwegian family, and those friends I made through missing trains and hostel jumping across Hamburg, Berlin, Amsterdam and Bruges. Fynn and his beautiful housemates in Freiburg. my Eddie Ricers in Geneva, Maylis and Louie in beautiful Paris. Lewes: my international family.

my heart is full. it’s odd. I’m unsure how I’m meant to be feeling. today is particularly strange as it marks four years since the passing of someone very special to me. I recall the day vividly and it overwhelms me more on these anniversaries. feelings of distress, insecurity, and concern transforming into those of disbelief and numbness. this was a day that has s haped me more than most other days. I don’t forget it, and more importantly I don’t forget her.

this adventure has been some sort of an escape for me from things I struggle to handle. as overwhelming as it’s often been, I realise just how lucky I’ve been. I know she’s been with me along the way, holding my hand and helping me out. I’ve seen her in the people who’ve found me and reopened my eyes to the fact that life is beautiful and there will always be reasons to love.

I’ve got some journaling to do, but I’ll try to write when I land in Shanghai. on our first family adventure to Europe in 2007 we were diverted to Shanghai before heading to Heathrow. funny how things happen, like running into a Tasmanian friend in the Louvre, or finding a family in the crumbling remains of a hotel in historic Lewes << x

leaving Lewes, London still

leaving Lewes was an event. this final week has been a blur of laughter and singing and dancing and tears and beers and hugs galore. we’ve had many lasts... last trip to TESCO, last pasta night, last visit to Lansdown (our favourite pub, twenty seconds down the road), last movie night, last walk around the little piece of heaven that is my rainy British town.

saying goodbye to my uni friends was bittersweet. I hosted the Timepieces gang for dinner at the lodge, and showed them my room and Lansdown. they have been so kind to me and I will miss them dearly. I also caught up with Simon, my first uni friend after whom my pot plant was named. a wonderful soul, he had been so kind to me and I have promised myself never to forget the fun times we’ve shared.

we celebrated Meredith and Vergil’s 21st birthdays with a midnight party in the kitchen, dancing and singing until we fell asleep. I treasured that night, just as I treasured our final night in the lodge. Jan, Emma and I bought takeaway from the best Thai place in town, before we all headed down to Lansdown one last time. we danced to Doin’ Time for the last time in a while. we cried and hugged and drank and went back up to 53, my room and our safe haven, and laughed the night away. I woke up at 3am face down beside Jan - apparently we’d both been snoring, which made me laugh. a fantastic night.

we went to Karafe - our favourite cafe and study spot - for our final breakfast (which meant one last milkshake for me). the goodbyes continues and the tears kept coming. after cleaning the room one final time, I wrote a letter for the next tenant, leaving it in the sock drawer for them. we caught the train, a group of us together, hugging Stacy, Eliu and Emma goodbye. we’d said goodbye to Fania, Joel, Liberty, Pach, Alex and many others. on the train we farewelled Fieke and Mat at Gatwick.

arriving in London, it was time to part ways with Jan. Jan has looked after me for three months now, and I can’t really remember how I went about things and loved each day without laughing with him. hugging Jan goodbye was hard, as was saying farewell to Nash early this morning. both have been godsends for me, and I’ll hold my memories and friendships with them both close to my heart. Lukas also left this morning, my wonderful friend who I already miss dearly. I just hugged Meredith goodbye and now feel very empty.

one more night in London with Nadia and Mike. it’s a strange feeling, people already heading home. I’m in London still. I’ve left Lewes but I’m not home yet. an inbetween that feels unnecessary but gives me time to reflect and reconnect with myself and where I am right now. my heart is full and confused and missing those I love. ‘to be alive is to be missing’ << x

BA

tonight I submitted my final assessment. I closed my laptop and realised I had completed my undergraduate degree. a sense of relief and an overwhelming disbelief at the fact that this has just happened so quickly. I’m content, just slightly confused at the moment.

my time studying at university since leaving college has been strange. it’s a different lifestyle, with less friends and more time alone, in my own company with the space to think and make realisations and consider myself and others in different ways. I miss school. I don’t think I ever really understood uni that much until coming to Sussex if I’m completely honest. I guess the real experience is only really had if you’re living with others in the same boat as you - studying and bussing and hauling bags up the hill from Tesco.

I’ve had a wonderful weekend with my friends. trips to the pub and a final walk along the seven sisters. milkshakes in Carafe (our favourite cafe), movie nights and tea. many things to miss. we’re spending our final nights in each other’s company, and we all know the time is precious. it’s strange to think I’ll be home this time next week. I’m beyond excited to see my loved ones, whilst sad to say goodbye to this life.

beginnings and endings. the time has flown, and with four nights left at the study lodge, I recognise how lucky I’ve been to find these people and this town and this escape from reality for a while. it will take time for me to process it all, but I remind myself to be content in absorbing the feelings and memories this week brings << x

Christmas lights

we leave the study lodge in eight sleeps. it’s all becoming a little more real for us all. people are spending more time in the common room, giving more hugs, wanting to spend as much time together as possible.

I’m hugging everyone whilst I can. going on walks, hosting movie nights, sharing pasta. I miss everyone at home so much, but right now my heart is here, and I wish I could spend more time with these people who right now mean so much to me. tomorrow some of us hope to return to seven sisters and do that glorious walk again. everything is coming full circle and I guess it’s a bittersweet feeling.

Jan has had his lovely girlfriend Freya stay with us, and I’ve loved meeting her. we laugh a lot and each of my friends goes out of their way to make each other feel appreciated. with my drama friends, I went to a student play last weekend. Lauren, Rachel, Adam and Sam have been so kind to me, and I will always treasure Timepieces and the moments I’ve been lucky to share with them during my term here.

last night, Lewes closed off High Street for a nighttime Christmas shopping community event. mulled wine, chestnuts and Christmas carols. lights and trees and smiles everywhere, in the freezing cold. this is the Christmas season I thought only existed in books and films. it’s wonderful and I’m lucky to be savouring every moment of it.

one week left in this beautiful town with these precious people. I stay grateful as I go. << x

the piano

Paris was wonderful for my mind. seeing Maylis again, and staying with her and her brother Louis was so much fun. she is very important to me and seeing her reminds me how lucky I am to have such precious people in my life, now scattered across the globe.

in the Louvre, outside my favourite statue (the Winged Victory) I ran into a friend from Tasmania. this blew my mind, and has left me thinking about timing and choices and where our paths take us. this week I could have chosen to go someplace else, or maybe visited the Louvre another day. I could have been in a different room of the building. but I was there and so was Tess and we hugged and it was such a wonderful accident.

after a Nutella crepe I wandered into Shakespeare and Co., my favourite bookshop on this earth. upstairs, there is a lounge full of old books and chairs, inhabited by a cat and it’s piano. I sat and listened to a man play the most peaceful music. it gripped me and I listened for what seemed like a content lifetime. it felt safe and spoke to me in ways music rarely does. when the man finished, I asked him the name of the piece he had played. he told me it was all improvised.

after thanking him, I sat myself at the piano. photos of authors sat above: Walt Whitman, F Scott, Zelda Fitzgerald. I sat and thought of where I am right now on my journey. I thought of the past year, the experiences, moments, emotions and people. slowly, I played a song that means a great deal to me, and kept thinking and thanking inside my head. I finished, and upon standing, received a warm smile from a lady seated in the lounge.

I walked through Luxembourg gardens one last time this morning. I’m at the airport now waiting to board. I made a friend this week, and I’ve been thinking a lot about the conversations we shared. I hope we have the chance to meet again. we find people in strange ways and the universe seems to enjoy playing games. I leave with more precious moments to treasure from this glorious city << x

returning to the Louvre

returning to the Louvre was magic. this place is truly something else, and without a doubt one of my favourite places on the planet. I went alone, and spent hours wandering through the halls and just absorbing everything. the paintings, the sculptures, the stories and emotions. truly incredible.

I will miss this a lot. each gallery I’ve found has been like a little oasis for me, and getting lost in each one and the work and the stories has been special. this one has just been extra safe and wonderful for me.

I feel the need to thank the place for filling me with so much in my head and heart. it’s strange, but wonderful to feel so inspired << x

Paris again

on the train back into Paris for a final couple of nights with Maylis. it’s cold and cloudy but I’m glad to be here. crepes for dinner?

the distance from Lewes is nice, though being home briefly last night was wonderful, spending time in room 53 with my friends. being on the move so much remindsme of my life pre-England. Paris was the last place I visited before my studies, it’s fitting to visit as they come to a close << x

Barcelona

I’ve spent the weekend in Barcelona. mum and dad had raved about the place since visiting last year, and I knew it’d be nice to visit. the city is beautiful and spending time in the sun has been such a wonderful change from the rain.

visiting Sagrada Familia was phenomenal. this building has been in the process of construction for over a century, and is still incomplete. walking inside and seeing the windows and pillars, sculptures and angles it feels as though the church is one cohesive work of art. it really blew me away and I spent over an hour just admiring the beauty.

I visited Park Guell, another world of Gaudi’s, which was also beautiful. the rest of my day was spent with Rachele, my Italian cousin, and her friends that she volunteers with in Barcelona. we went out for tapas and churros, and had a lovely time. 

Rachele and I spoke about where we’re at with our journeys, and the things we are struggling with. she’s wise and I appreciate the way she thinks and views relationships and the world. I feel truly grateful to have spent this time with her here.

travelling solo again has been good for my mind. it forces you to think rationally about what is happening in the present moment, rather than overthinking matters beyond your control. in 22 days I’m home, and that is that. I leave it all behind, but I see the people I miss so much. I fly back to Lewes in the morning. strange to think that two days away leaves me missing my friends from exchange already. I guess it’s good practice for what’s to come << x

ice skating

it’s been an exhausting week. my mind doesn’t want to give me a break. still, I take the time to recognise how lucky I am and remain grateful for every day I’m given to spend with these people in this wonderful place.

it’s getting really cold now, and dark early. the sun disappears at 4pm and we bus home from uni in the dark. the other night I went ice skating for the first time. I was surprise at my ability to not fall over, and had a lovely time with my friends. when it was working, it felt somewhat like flying.

I reached out to an old friend this week. we hadn’t spoken in years and it had been something I’d thought about for a long time. I heard back, and we chatted. whilst time has left a mark between us, it was comforting for me to realise that he still recognised the worth in our friendship. my relationship with time is something that frustrates me every day, and never will an hour pass without my thinking of it. but this reconnection was able to calm me this week.

three weeks until I leave the study lodge for my final weekend in London. a lot to think about. my family and loved ones back home getting closer, my life up here slowing slipping. this world is so wide and I’m lucky to see it from different angles. I just wish these angles weren’t so far apart << x

London and I

we kept quiet and didn’t have much to say to each other. I walked along her river and visited a gallery. it was nice and the Dali and Picasso made me smile. though the highlight was seeing the sun through the clouds in the window. I didn’t realise itever visited London.

the Christmas lights led me through Piccadilly and Carnaby. beautiful shops lit thefaces of everyone I passed. it’s overwhelming to realise each of them is facing their own troubling obstacles each day, and that I’ll never know a thing about them. it’s also strange to think that my face is one of thousands they’ll see again only as an extra in a forgotten dream before waking. I read recently that every person we see in our dreams is a face placed their from our memory, be it partner or manager, stranger or sibling. without our control others stay in our heads. it’s crazy to think about.

I’m on the train home. it’s been a big day of thinking and I’m excited to hug and see my Lewes friends. it’s odd to think my loved ones at home are waking up as I type. it’s even weirder to think that in a month I’ll be a world away from the people that matter here. a lot to process. but a lotto recognise as remarkable. to be grateful for. it will all make sense, I’m sure << x

one month

in a month’s time I’ll be home. I’m beyond excited to hug my friends and see my family. Tasmania seems like so long ago - and it’s strange to think I haven’t been home in over three months now. still, part of me sees this ticking time as bittersweet.

I’ve been away for a long time. it’s been an adventure, seeing new places and revisiting people that feel like home. meeting new people and finding a sense of home and comfort with them. it’s strange. I know going home will do the world of good for my mind and heart. but it hurts me knowing now that part of me is left scattered across the continent, in these beautiful places and with these people who have meant something to me.

going home means acknowledging that this is over, a next chapter must begin, and life must continue. it throws me a little. where to from here? and what of this experience - my life for five months, these people I love on the other side of the planet. it’s a funny little world. it makes me sad sometimes.

through this time I’ve come to realise just how small I am in the scheme of things. so much is out of our control. yet we trust in time and the world and the stars and hope for the best. I’m putting off sleep. the time is slipping and I need it to stop. I love my home. but I know that returning means moving on with the life that I live there.

it hasn’t been an easy adventure. hurdles find me around most corners. but I learn how to jump, and if I fall we find ways to stand up. I discover more about myself and my vulnerabilities each day. I’ve been confronted by the person I am and often struggle to come to terms with the fact that this is who I’m spending my life with. but I remind myself that I’m here for some purpose, and one day it will hopefully make a little more sense.

it rains here. I eat pasta and go for walks and read and listen to music. I’ve done less writing, which makes me sad, but I know I’ll find the right state of mind at some point. I know I’m not alone, as I’m reminded so often by loved ones back home. I’m trying to find closure with some things I’ve been grappling with, and hope to come home content and at peace with these things that seem so important to me right now.

I’m heading to London in the morning. I’ll spend the day solo, maybe visit a gallery and walk along the river. I’ll go gently and focus on being present, in recognising how lucky I am to be here and alive and breathing. one day at a time << x

timepieces

• I’ve spent the past month working with a really special group of people. my new friend Sam wrote a beautiful piece of theatre called ‘timepieces’. the piece revolves around the memories of an old man named Richard Sourgrass, who reflects on his life and a past love. after a couple of rounds of auditions, I was lucky enough to be grouped with Lauren - a new friend from Ireland - and Rachel - another from Indonesia - to be a part of telling this story.
  

with Sam and Adam, Sam’s best friend and our producer / co-director, we spent weeks rehearsing and designing how we would present the prose, poetry and post-cards for audiences. the process involved a heap of workshopping, different rehearsal rooms, packs of malted milk biscuits from tesco, and laughs.

we performed the piece in the Falmer House debating chamber on November 8th and 9th. many friends from the lodge came to support me, and both performances went really well. as a group, the five of us became close and I already miss the time we spent.

this piece was really special for me. I struggle with my relationship with time and my lack of control over love and loss, and connecting with Richard and his story in such a natural and raw way was genuinely therapeutic for me. being so closely connected to this text allowed me to reflect on some things I struggle with, and gave me a chance to process how I feel about where I am and where I’m heading at the moment.

I’m grateful for this unique experience, which has been the most fulfilling surprise I could have asked for. aquel riempi, donde se va << x

bonfire night

I didn’t realise beforehand, but Lewes is the country’s capital for bonfire night: November 5th. the celebrations were crazy, with the entire town shut down, 80 thousand visitors, and no end to firecrackers.

a mass procession down high street, we all gathered and watched it happening outside our home. later we followed the crowd to what can only be the biggest mound of kindling I’ve seen in my life. torch after torch was thrown onto the mound, and slowly the sky was coloured by its flames, followed by twenty minutes of the most glorious fireworks.

it was an unforgettable experience << x

London

a few of us caught the train into London last weekend to loo around. we visited The Globe, the biggest toy store in the world, and rode on the merry go round. it was a lovely day.

I’ve been busy with rehearsals and study. though this is usually the case at home, I am very lucky to be doing all of this in such a beautiful place. I am fortunate to be surrounded by caring and genuinely considerate people in Lewes, and I know I will miss this when it’s over.

friends and family back home are being amazing. I miss them dearly and can’t wait to see them before Christmas. I’ve now been away nearly three months, and it seems as though being away from home has been the constant in my life for a while now. I can see how some people do this for years: time passes at a different pace, maybe even in a different way. I’m lucky to be here << x

the white cliffs

Jan and I did a lovely walk on the weekend. We saw the white cliffs, many sheep and made some new friends. The weather was perfect and it was all very beautiful.

I’m settling in. Missing home a lot at the moment. I’m lucky to be in contact with many friends from all over. I’m halfway through the adventure now, I guess that’s just difficult to process with uni at the moment. I’m still finding joy in each day. And Jan and Joel shaved my head. I needed a change << x