choices

big decisions to be made. it feels as though there’s not enough time for it all. trying to use my mind and heart; to listen to them and people I trust. one day at a time is hard when the whole world’s bound to change so soon. << 

moving quickly

the time is really passing now. I dreamt of Lewes the other night, though it was different, and I felt like a stranger to the place. I wake up feeling further from that time and world, but I remind myself it all still happened, and nothing can change that. it should be less difficult now I know so much of it is tied to words in my stories, though I still wish it wasn’t so far out of reach.

the times are changing now. decisions to be made. I wish I could be back, if even just for a night in 53 with my friends. I miss them and our world still every day. reminding myself I’m lucky to have something so special to miss, I look for the good things in my now. the blessings are all around. I try to embrace them without letting go.

unsure of where this is all going, and if I even want to know. one day at a time. << x

the new playground

I finished proofing the story I wrote. it’s quite long, and though it took a great deal of time and tears, there’s a sense of relief in knowing these memories and dreams have now been tied to words. though I know nothing can bring me truly closer to the places and people I miss, it feels as though written words might at least make them less fleeting. 

it’s a strange inbetween at the moment. I doubt there’s much that can be done to help me realise where I’m meant to be. in the midst of the blurry path that lays before me I strive to count the blessings I still cherish. it helps make this all feel a little more important. I’m lucky, and I remind myself whenever I doubt it. one day I really hope to get over myself. <<

clouds

I doubt I’ll ever understand so much of what keeps me up at night. but the clouds keep moving, and sometimes they’re enough for me. <<

proofreading

I finished proofreading today. this means my story is pretty much finished. it’s a strange feeling to be at this point, after months of writing and missing that world. I’m unsure where I’ll be led next, but it’s nice knowing the memories are tied to something more than just my own missing now. perhaps with the words I’ve given them life they’ll last at least a little longer. << x

galleries

returning to galleries has been special. on the big adventure they became sanctuaries for me in the midst of my running from or trying to make sense of things I didn’t quite understand. revisiting this pastime on which I leant so much for distraction and escape has reminded me once more of the importance of worlds beyond the real one in which I live.

today I ran into a painting I’ve known since before I could speak - a print of which hangs in the blue room of my grandparents’ home, in which I’ve set many times. I thought of my brothers and home when I saw it, a moment that felt somewhat surreal for reasons I don’t quite understand.

I’m heading home now - back to the world I know. <<

Lucy

in Sydney I also spent time with Lucy. having known her friendship for so long, I feel very lucky to call her one of the important people in my life. across the oceans there are people I love all over: remembering this, I tell myself to be grateful for all I’ve ever had and known. what has been can never be taken away from me. <<