back again

thunder and lightning tonight. I can hear the rain on the window beside me as I type. it’s very warm up here, and although the sea makes for wonderful swimming I wish it were cooler at night.

the place is mostly as I left it. a few new characters, old friends happy to see me and generous with their time and interest in my life over recent weeks. I’ve missed some of them lots without realising. life here is nice without classes yet. we caught a ferry to some disgustingly wealthy suburb, laughing at the size of the houses and the fact that no amount of money can prevent some people from having bad taste. swimming at the beach, watching the oncoming storm hanging over the city.

preparing to commit to another semester, knowing of my own inability to escape the hurdles into which I’ll be tripping over the coming months. already missing home. always missing Lewes and the friends I found there.

trying to go gently without angering myself. also trying to sleep. <<

and drift in time

the stars are beautiful tonight. I’ll miss them tomorrow, and hope I don’t forget them. <<

back soon

I’ll be heading back soon. the flight to the mainland means committing to the next few months. another semester - perhaps my last. returning to the mainland means committing to whatever comes next. it’s a little scary and though the summer never seems to end, I wish it lasted longer than it did, if purely for the purpose of biding time.

it takes committing to the flight for me to realise the escape cannot dictate my every day. a frightening few months ahead - decisions and guaranteed chaos. I’ll probably be missing and wishing for lots of things too (a perpetual part of me now it seems). I won’t hold my breath because that’s not safe. the care that comes my way from parents and friends out of concern and love is something I still strive to appreciate more. I hope I won’t forget this.

still not quite sure what I’m doing or where I’m headed. I wonder if there’s any sense to be made of it someday. <<

with my salt lamp still on

Isaiah’s flown back to his other life now. my next semester starts in under a month. I should start thinking about what I’m doing, but the thought of leaving scares me - if only for the fact that it means committing to another round of pretending I know what I’m doing. I’m meant to have some sort of plan for when this course finishes, but I know very little of where I’m going to be. I owe answers to people I love, and it’s all too close for me to run away.

I feel very old and tired too, despite sleeping excessively. swimming in the sea has been nice. sometimes being with friends helps. distraction is a saving grace. I try to draw and think coherently sometimes. I miss a lot still, afraid of committing to words both written and vocalised.

if you’re reading this I hope you’ve had a nice day and are managing okay. I’m trying, as always, to take things one day at a time. whilst I mightn’t be happy with where or who I am right now, I try to remind myself that nothing I see or feel is permanent. go gently, I hope you sleep well. <<

overcast

I walked to the end of the world with a friend. there was no signal and it was quiet. it would have been nice to stay a while. nothing needs to make much sense when everything’s so far away and out of reach. <<

still here

we don’t really talk about the nasty bits. it’s never easy. but it’s been a year now since a very tricky time, since which I’ve tried to find peace and purpose. in the midst of the mess I still stumble into joy. making new friends and missing those I can’t hold close. searching for distraction. being still and learning to allow myself to stop. I’m trying and will continue to do so. still here and breathing just one day at a time; <<

and on and on

sometimes the cat still sleeps under my bed - I hear her snoring there tonight. it’s nice to know some things still stay the same.