continued

passing by quickly still. not much time to think, and when there’s time, thinking isn’t really what I want to be doing. the sea monkeys died, despite my following the instructions with care. I’m still drawing and working and seeing friends again. I miss Isaiah, and Lewes a lot more this week. we’re at a point where we know that missing is what we do as beings in this funny world. sometimes I just wish it wasn’t the way. I try to treasure the good things - I know I’m lucky and remind myself whenever I remember. 

unsure of where it’s all headed, though I try to move gently and with purpose where possible. I hope you’re travelling okay. <<

rapids

the weeks fly. it’s strange. work and food and sleep. sometimes seeing friends. I wrote a poem for the first time in forever, which is a good thing, and I draw. but the time slips so very quickly.

Julien released her third album, and it feels like a hug. I’m very proud of her. I miss Isaiah. it’s strange for him to join the likes of Nash and Emma and Jan and Fieke and Eliu and Joel and Nadia and everyone else. so much missing to be done amidst everything that fills my time. unsure of whether I’m where I’m meant to be, though I try to stay present and distracted where necessary. I bought sea monkeys the other day (thanks Cadi for inspiring this development). I’m trying. << x

we’re already history

there’s a frame on the back exterior wall of the playhouse theatre balcony, in which sits the scrappy remains of what must have been a lightbulb above three words: ‘we’re already history’. I’ve loved these words for years now, though I still struggle to understand or come to terms with what they imply. last night we finished Matilda, and before I left the theatre I decorated the frame. though I doubt the lights will stay there long, it was nice to see the relic looking brighter than before.

Jan

tonight Jan called me and we spoke properly for the first time since we hugged each other goodbye at Victoria Station in December 2019. throughout my time in Lewes, Jan filled the role of brother for me. we spent most of nearly every day together: studying, exploring, venting and laughing. his company is one of the things I miss every day, and to finally enjoy it again after so long was a real treat. I wish he weren’t so far away. but in hearing his laugh and seeing his smile again I realise that something as precious as the friendship I was lucky enough to find with him doesn’t simply disappear with distance and time. it’s a small gift for which I know I’ll be forever grateful. in my missing, there are still some good things to be founds. memories are still treasured, though I try to remind myself that these people and the footprints they’ve made on my story don’t simply vanish. << x

busy

times have been busy. with this, I haven’t really been able to appreciate and dwell in the absence of Isaiah. I’m working a lot, and fill every other second with other things. though I give myself very little time or space to think, I feel as though this is for the best right now: distraction is valuable and a very useful bandaid for the time being. I listen to music I love and draw silly pictures of faces I’ve never seen. the missing underscores each day, though I try to deafen it all with other things. sometimes it works. 

exit Isaiah

the little guy left today. he’s moved to the capital to study maths and science at the best university in the country. my pride in him is never lacking, though my heart is heavy already as I lie awake knowing his room next door is empty of him and the stuffed toy tiger he’s slept beside since birth. this is a new chapter merely because of his absence. a lot of space to fill now. I wonder if he’ll love his time away so much that he won’t miss us so much. though this would be a tricky pill for us to swallow, I hope for him that this is the case.

I read a card from Nadia (sent all the way from Canada) before saying goodbye to my brother. her words made me cry and miss her more than I have since Lewes. I hope that in his new venture, Isaiah is lucky enough to find such precious friends in those around him as I did in Nadia and the other friends I still miss every night.

goodbye January

bye