I bus to the beach to watch my friends swim from the rocks. the day is too hot under overcast skies. I sit in the shade of the ledge above and think about dipping my toes in. they’re splashing and laughing and I have done the same before. their joy is effortless and unremarkable and I know only I stand between that feeling and the escape from the well I’ve poured into. they clamber up to join me, smoking and stretching their bodies to dry over towels. my body is tired and fragile in the presence of others better at knowing who they are and finding comfort in their skin. I count the ways I need to change and wish I could transcend myself to live for something else. I curse the walls I can’t hold back from building. why can I never stop the thought from coming back to what the moment means for me? the cities fall to flames and my sadness triumphs all. no loathing is enough to move beyond the mirror. vanity forever from the rocks at the beach.
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