fairy lights

the days keep flying by. I struggle to keep up. such a drastic contrast to how I was living just two months ago. I don’t have a lot to say about this really - my time now is taken up by work, and when this is not the case, it is usually filled by something else. I’m not ever left to my own thoughts for too long beyond bedtime. this is probably a good thing for now, but I notice how quickly time passes when I’m not thinking. I should be drawing or writing more. there’s more meaning to be made somehow. I need to try.

the room is still relatively bare. nothing on the walls yet, and I’m unsure if I’ll be changing this. a very fresh slate in there. it’s cold and I might need to buy a heater or some more blankets. I miss my room in Lewes - not once did I use the heater despite the British winter. I miss the friends that made it warm.

I’m visited by a cat whenever I hang out my washing. a reason to smile. 

took myself to Camperdown park to read before the sun set on my day off. the golden rays passed over the couch at the foot of the tree. it was really beautiful. I wish I could have shared that moment. I wish for a way to bottle up moments like this to send to the people I love.

vivid dreams at the moment. it feels as though I’m living two lives - the real one in the day, the visions at night. the latter always keeps me on toes, and continues to surprise and confuse me. learning more about myself. trying to figure it all out. I wonder if I ever will. <<

egress?

I wrote in my journal for the first time in four months today. it’s funny to catch myself up on everything that’s been happening in my mind. a very long winded conversation with myself. not much to learn but a lot to think about.

I’m beginning to realise how easily routine can derail ambition to be making time for what matters to us. this is starting to scare me. I’m trying to make sense of the hamster wheel we’re all locking ourselves into. it feels ridiculous.

I wake early for work. music keeps me company on the busses and trains. I think of people I love throughout the day, giving me reasons to smile whilst I reply to emails and try to make myself useful. the pace has changed, though it’s all distraction, as it has always been. <<

clouds and trees

not a lot to say at the moment. days passing by quickly for the most part. making moments count where I can.

over the clouds.

under the trees.

my oldest friend.

and new friends too.

whirlwind. when I stop I think of things I miss. people and places and moments in time, mostly out of reach. how lucky I’ve been to now yearn so deeply for what is no longer within the realm of possibility.

I finally watched Yi Yi under Nash’s recommendation. I’m very glad I did. <<

roar

I slip back into a series of expectations and timeframes and it almost feels as though I’ve rehearsed this enough to feel like I’m selling it. full days at a desk sometimes. it’s really strange.

leaving Lewes meant being half a planet away, locked out of a world that is left to the past. I could only visit it in my memories. Stucco is a twenty minute walk away - I can visit it very easily. something about that world still being so accessible to me feels odd. I still miss Lewes and yearn for that life, but I can visit Bip or Nic or a whole bunch of Stucco friends in no time at all. the contrast is jarring.

making a new space in a very small room. loft bed, desk and clothes rack. white walls and bed boards and desktop and chair. it’s all blank - even the lightfitting, which I’m pretty sure is an upside down lamp being misused. nothing on the walls yet. very little on the desk - a lamp, le petit prince, my silver swan and her mood rings.

days pass quickly. I think less throughout, which is nice. hoping I might make positive use of routine once I make it my own. <<