after checking out of our hostels, Alex, Jan and I met for breakfast in the lanes. I enjoyed some pancakes, calling Blake briefly so he could meet some of my friends. our day was spent running in and out of the rain, exploring parts of the city we’d never thought to during our life here. we laughed about our trip, and recounted pleasant surprises and highlights. Jan asked how we’d go about redesigning the White Hart in Lewes if we had the money. I think we could do a pretty good job, and he agrees we’d have a fun time making it happen. we found a park and sat on the swings, only to realise the place used to be a cemetary. an infographic sign on ‘the cycle of life’ for plants made me think of the inevitable sense of loss and aimlessness upon leaving my friends. cruel in a funny way.
we bid Alex farewell at the station. I’d not spent that much time with him until Paris - he was Joel’s good friend back in Lewes - but I feel very lucky to have had the space to let our friendship grow. a really wonderful person with an authentic perspective on the necessity of chasing joy.
Jan and I spent a lot of time chatting today. he’s a dear friend, and it’s reassuring to me that after all of this time - and seeing me at some of my lowest points - he still plans to keep me in his life. as always, I’ll miss his company and care. he told me he feels as though our friendship has strengthened, and I hope that we can keep it up. I feel seen by Jan in ways I don’t by most other people, which is sometimes scary but always reassuring. on the bus to London as I type, it feels too soon to talk of missing and wishing our worlds were closer - yet this is how I feel. I’m grateful to know his kindness and I’ll not ever forget it.
a surreal week of my life. my heart is in a strange state - full of gratitude and somewhat empty, so many emotions and treasures revisited and vanishing so quickly. lucky to have so much to miss. the future seems worlds away in my head right now. I’ll try to move gently. <<
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