six months

Lewes was last seen by my own eyes six months ago today. the world I lived in essentially closed its doors with the handing over of keys, packing of bags and departure of trains. not a day goes by without my missing this world and the people that brought it to life for me. this period has left a mark on my mind and heart, so much so that each day and night I momentarily wish for that sacred time again. one more day? or a week? or would such wishing lead to my seeking for another month, year, inevitably leading to the ridiculous desire for an eternity of looped time, living within the time capsule of our semester at the grand hotel.

I miss and wish for time and entertain the fantasy, relived through precious pictures of precious people whom I hold in my heart each day. I do not forget and I do not take for granted just how lucky I have been. and I continue to remain hopeful for the possibility of my seeing them again someday.

time continues to take. I continue to wish for more, remembering what I had and constantly forcing myself to acknowledge that this cannot be taken away from me. << x

June

winter is here now. it’s cold and the days are shorter. things are slowly going back to normal, though I still study at home each day. I also think of my adventure each night, and long to escape into that precious trove of memories. often I imagine it would be wonderful to live there.

Nash organised a group call for a bunch of us from Lewes. in the final month of our time together, he had documented a minute each evening of our thoughts, feelings, interactions and antics, all informal and at times ridiculous. he had compiled some of this content into a short video, presenting his story of his time spent at the Lewes Study Lodge. I’ve never stopped missing this time, the place, or those people. this clip was beautiful, and to relive tiny glimpses of our time together felt good for my soul. it made me happy.

we spoke for hours. a group call spanning continents and tens of thousands of miles. people across the globe who may have never been aware of each other’s existence, who could have easily lived their whole lives without crossing paths were it not for the aligning of specific chances and completely unplanned coincidences. this thought overwhelms me, and I spend a great deal of time trying to remind myself to not be scared of it.

the world has me feeling strange right now and, like many others I’m sure, I feel an urge to escape into someplace else. I spend time wishing I was able to foster some kind of helpfulness. I also spend a lot of time missing, predominantly people and shared experiences left in the past. this hasn’t changed, and part of me doubts it ever will. still, I remain grateful for the experiences that have given me purpose and reasons to recognise the potential beauty of the world. << x 

18.05.2020

I touched down five months ago today. this means I’ve been home for longer than I was away on my adventure. the time home has been strange. I can’t say that nothing has changed, as we’re currently drifting through unprecedented times in light of the pandemic that’s pulled the rug from under the world. but this period of five months, despite physically tying me to my island home, has been anything but stable in my mind. drifting in thoughts and dreams that take up so much of my time. processing the past and the people and wishes and simple things I’m left missing. trying to keep it all alive with an awareness of the fact that the time has passed and I’m living in its aftermath. where do we go from here? maps don’t exist for such questions. I miss and I miss and I wish my days away. << x

five months

five months to the day since I said goodbye to Lewes and the home and family that was. not a day passed without me longing for that time again, in that place with those people. I count myself truly lucky, but struggle with the reality that that former life stays there, in those dorm rooms and cobblestone streets, walks to Tesco and pints ofOld Rosie, in that crappy kitchen and those hugs in the past. I miss and I miss and I miss.

‘to be alive is to be missing.’ << x

a lot of time

I’ve been home for pretty much the same amount of time that I was away. I find this difficult to get my head around. some mornings I wake up from dreams in which I’m living and breathing my time in Lewes. other days it feels as though the whole experience could have just been a dream orsomething I imagined on a rainy day.

we’re all in lockdown as the world has frozen and it gives me a lot of time to think. instead of finding clarity and coming to terms with reality I find this excess of time as only weaving myself deeper webs of thought and nostalgia for a time and place we all knew was limited, and has long since expired.

I miss the people and the place and the life over there. I long for it all, and so much of my time is spent wishing I’d wake up in that crumby room for another day in the rain, study in Carafe or the kitchen, a stop by Lansdown, and tea time with the flimsy family that was in room 53. ‘to be alive is to be missing’. << x

four months

four months ago today I spent my final day in Lewes with my friends. time has flown, but the memories feel as fresh as ever. I just video called some friends from room 53. this was the first time I’d seen and heard them since this time four months ago. I didn’t realise so much time had passed, all I knew is how much I missed them, and the size of the gap in my evenings left by not having them around.

life has changed in many ways. we’re all inside, adapting to the state of the world. more time to think. more time to remember and count our blessings. remembering my time away is bittersweet. I try to keep Lewes alive in my life. some days are easier than others.

seeing and hearing my friends tonight was strange. it felt impossible to think it had been so long since we had shared tea and biscuits in that crumby room on the third floor of the ‘grand hotel’. I love the people who cared for me there. they looked after me and gave me a purpose and sanctuary. a beautiful chapter of my life I often feel as though I never deserved.

I’m still there a lot of the time. when there’s beautiful clouds I’m taken back to that quirky little town. I spend time thinking of that place and the characters it brought into my orbit every day. I miss it dearly, and remain grateful and hopeful that one day, I’ll revisit the setting and people that gave meaning and colour to my adventure. << x

time

I’ve reached the point where I’ve now been home longer than I was in Lewes. over three months back with my family and the life I knew before I left for my adventure in August. I’ve seen no one from that time since being home, and sometimes it feels as though the whole thing could have just been a dream. life goes on unaffected by the changes and friendships and moments Lewes gave me.

it was Nash’s birthday yesterday. 21, a big deal in America. I feel awful that it’s in the midst of whatever is going on in our crazy world right now. I miss going downstairs to his room to visit him and Joel. some afternoons as they’d study I’d fall asleep on one of the beds, and they’d just leave me be. I’d wake up at 6pm and realise it was dinner time. we’d make pasta and eat with Jan, before tea time or movie night in 53.

it’s only through recounting in this way I feel as though I’m able to keep this alive in my mind. whilst sad to think it’s so far away from me - more so everyday - right now I need to keep these people with me. I’m unsure about many things and remain confused by the state of the world and my lack of clarity of where I’m going and what it all means.

my heart is still in Lewes. I suppose if we’re being realistic, it’s actually with the people I met and miss. I’m really not just in that dusty hotel than. my heart is scattered. it’s in Germany, the US, the Netherlands, Poland, Indonesia, Canada, Italy, and even across the water in Melbourne with Joel. I’ll never have it all back. but I’m working on ways to keep moving. it will make more sense someday, I’m sure. << x