another place

my mattress isn’t here yet but there’s people, and lots of them are lovely. the place makes me miss Lewes, though it’s my new home. I’ll take every day as a gift. <<

gate 4 is open for boarding

there’s less than ten of us on this plane. Mum did a lot of crying, for which I feel bad, but I’ve promised her I’ll stay safe and see her as soon as I can. it’s all wrapping up, without really finishing - twisting into the next chapter very quickly in the end. I don’t know where the time went? my bags were 1.2kg over, but the lady didn’t mind. as if the adventure was two years ago. aeroplane mode on now. talk soon. << 

tomorrow

I’ve been scrolling a lot these past few days. there’s something about the immediacy of the distraction the act of aimless scrolling offers from real life. in my current circumstances, I’m due to face a significant life change: this time tomorrow I’ll have migrated from my childhood home. weeks of being asked by friends and coworkers ‘how do you feel about it?’ have flown. I’ve been answering with embarrassment, saying (with a fear of sounding pretentious) that I’ve been too busy to know how to feel or what to think about the whole thing.

it’s nearly two years to the day since I left home for the adventure. those stories and characters frequent my dreams still, and skate the surface of my mind and screen often. Nash called from Brooklyn the other day after having been on his first run in his new neighbourhood. Fieke’s sending me photos from her adventures through Northern Italy. Simon re downloaded WhatsApp, and I’ve just heard from him for the first time in over a year. ‘saudade’ - the narrative compilation of my memories and dreams from that time - is being read by some of the people I trust. it doesn’t feel like two years, though in leaving again, it also feels as though it all might have happened in another reality or life altogether.

I’m left daunted by the pages before me. aware of how lucky I am and have been to have had the precious experiences and opportunities that continue to come my way, I try to face tomorrow with courage. I don’t know what the next chapter is going to bring, though I hope I’m writing the first stanza well. <<

booked

I booked my flight today. just over a week left of this world for me. it’s all a little overwhelming, and though it’s been on the horizon for forever, I feel unprepared. the familiar will vanish so quickly, and though this should be (and is still) exciting, a pause button would be nice.

one day at a time - I still try, though it’s tricky with how quickly each day slips and says goodbye. going as gently as I can. <<

two weeks

the change is on its way. I’m finishing up at work, and looking at flights now. I’ve been ready for the move in my head, though it’s always been something far off, an idea that, for the most part, has seemed as though it might always be dangling out of my reach. though I’m excited for a return to life away from the familiar, all of a sudden it feels as though everything’s moving awfully fast.

I called Fieke last night. we spoke about our lives now compared to our shared lives in Lewes: the pastimes and places and people we still miss. despite the distance and time between us, I count myself lucky to still have such a dear friend to share my thoughts with. I think she’s doing well, and I’m very proud of her regardless.

if all goes to plan I’ll have left the island in two weeks time. the days will disappear and no doubt I’ll run out of time to do everything I should before I leave. in the midst of the turning of cogs and time I try to stop to breathe and feel the moments and the emotions they bring. hoping for rain sometime soon. settling for wind against my window at night. <<

cold air

some kind of writer’s block. I’ve come to realise since leaving school that I am somewhat dependent on creating and producing for my own sanity. a great deal of my self worth is projected upon the quality and quantity of what I create or produce with my time and emotions. 

very little is being made at this point in time. I worry about lacking value in light of not producing anything substantial. trying to rationalise with this strange part of my mind is difficult, though I keep trying. this break has not been chosen by me, though I tell myself I shouldn’t resist it with such frustration. it’s okay to stop. I remind myself I don’t always need to have something to say.

cold mornings - icy. the drive to the markets before sunrise was scary, thick ice on the bends. I drove slowly and though the sun was bright throughout the day, the chill remained. it’s summer in Lewes, as it is in New York, where Nash is finding his feet as I type these words. the air I’m breathing is far colder than his. a funny thought. <<

Pfizer #1

I received my first jab of the vaccine. this seemed to excite me more than most things have in a long time, and I’m still trying to figure out why. it’s not as though the jab truly guarantees my freedom from any binds. perhaps, for whatever reason, I see the occasion as a tangible step in the path that will, I pray, someday take me to wherever it is I’m meant to be. it’s been a long time of doing very little living, and though I’m trying to do more and find myself again, I know it will take time. I’ve spent 18 months doing a lot of thinking. some days I feel as though the adventure was no more than a dream. what does the jab have to do with all of this? I don’t really know, but it’s a step in the right direction.

every new day brings me closer to where I’m meant to be. I mightn’t truly believe this, but I’ll try to have faith in the idea of being as I should right now. <<