Pfizer #1

I received my first jab of the vaccine. this seemed to excite me more than most things have in a long time, and I’m still trying to figure out why. it’s not as though the jab truly guarantees my freedom from any binds. perhaps, for whatever reason, I see the occasion as a tangible step in the path that will, I pray, someday take me to wherever it is I’m meant to be. it’s been a long time of doing very little living, and though I’m trying to do more and find myself again, I know it will take time. I’ve spent 18 months doing a lot of thinking. some days I feel as though the adventure was no more than a dream. what does the jab have to do with all of this? I don’t really know, but it’s a step in the right direction.

every new day brings me closer to where I’m meant to be. I mightn’t truly believe this, but I’ll try to have faith in the idea of being as I should right now. <<

June

another half year older. I wish I knew where that time went. despite living more, it still feels as though I’m walking blind.

active involvement in my own life has, in the past three or so months, become more frequent. it’s for the best, though I fear losing touch with what was (and remains) important to me in my pause. daunted to see where this goes, hoping for the best. one foot in front of the other. <<

blur

I’m unfocused, and though I’m okay, it’s tricky. the time continues to fly, and I’m drawn back to thinking of the pages passing too quickly. I remember that I’m growing older with every passing moment, and that I’m spending less time actively creating or treating this passing time as precious. I try not to despise myself for this lack of focus. learning has been done, and I’m gentler than I once was with myself. there’s still more work to do, and I want to be doing more for this world. looking for purpose, though I’m almost certain at this point that the journey never truly ends.

missing Lewes a lot these days, though it feels further as the months fly. I wonder what they’re all doing and if they miss it too. letting go for good isn’t something I want to do, though I’m almost certain I’m meant to. <<

Luca

Isaiah’s come home. it’s nice to be with him, I only realise how much I’ve missed his presence when it’s finally something I can enjoy again and not just wait for. we watched the new Pixar movie - about Italy and a boy who doesn’t fit in. it made me miss my friends and the adventure a lot. I really hope I can do it all again someday.

cogs are turning for the next chapter, and I’m going to have to start using my brain to be present again. I’m grateful for the chances I have, and just pray I’m moving where and how I need to right now. <<

water

I can overwhelm myself by just looking out into the water. it’s strange to think that my world shares the same mass of sea as every other coastline. something that connects every corner of the planet to a degree. despite the distance there’s a flow and exchange between where I am now and every other place I’ve seen. there’s comfort to be found in these thoughts. <<

mornings

there are still beautiful things <<

winter

fifteen minutes into winter. another season passes: what might this next one mean?

I’m hoping to doubt myself less. I’ll learn how to work hard and be again, as I’ve done before. the questions keep coming back, but that’s okay. one day at a time, with deep breaths and a heart that still beats. << x