18.05.2020

I touched down five months ago today. this means I’ve been home for longer than I was away on my adventure. the time home has been strange. I can’t say that nothing has changed, as we’re currently drifting through unprecedented times in light of the pandemic that’s pulled the rug from under the world. but this period of five months, despite physically tying me to my island home, has been anything but stable in my mind. drifting in thoughts and dreams that take up so much of my time. processing the past and the people and wishes and simple things I’m left missing. trying to keep it all alive with an awareness of the fact that the time has passed and I’m living in its aftermath. where do we go from here? maps don’t exist for such questions. I miss and I miss and I wish my days away. << x

five months

five months to the day since I said goodbye to Lewes and the home and family that was. not a day passed without me longing for that time again, in that place with those people. I count myself truly lucky, but struggle with the reality that that former life stays there, in those dorm rooms and cobblestone streets, walks to Tesco and pints ofOld Rosie, in that crappy kitchen and those hugs in the past. I miss and I miss and I miss.

‘to be alive is to be missing.’ << x

a lot of time

I’ve been home for pretty much the same amount of time that I was away. I find this difficult to get my head around. some mornings I wake up from dreams in which I’m living and breathing my time in Lewes. other days it feels as though the whole experience could have just been a dream orsomething I imagined on a rainy day.

we’re all in lockdown as the world has frozen and it gives me a lot of time to think. instead of finding clarity and coming to terms with reality I find this excess of time as only weaving myself deeper webs of thought and nostalgia for a time and place we all knew was limited, and has long since expired.

I miss the people and the place and the life over there. I long for it all, and so much of my time is spent wishing I’d wake up in that crumby room for another day in the rain, study in Carafe or the kitchen, a stop by Lansdown, and tea time with the flimsy family that was in room 53. ‘to be alive is to be missing’. << x

four months

four months ago today I spent my final day in Lewes with my friends. time has flown, but the memories feel as fresh as ever. I just video called some friends from room 53. this was the first time I’d seen and heard them since this time four months ago. I didn’t realise so much time had passed, all I knew is how much I missed them, and the size of the gap in my evenings left by not having them around.

life has changed in many ways. we’re all inside, adapting to the state of the world. more time to think. more time to remember and count our blessings. remembering my time away is bittersweet. I try to keep Lewes alive in my life. some days are easier than others.

seeing and hearing my friends tonight was strange. it felt impossible to think it had been so long since we had shared tea and biscuits in that crumby room on the third floor of the ‘grand hotel’. I love the people who cared for me there. they looked after me and gave me a purpose and sanctuary. a beautiful chapter of my life I often feel as though I never deserved.

I’m still there a lot of the time. when there’s beautiful clouds I’m taken back to that quirky little town. I spend time thinking of that place and the characters it brought into my orbit every day. I miss it dearly, and remain grateful and hopeful that one day, I’ll revisit the setting and people that gave meaning and colour to my adventure. << x

time

I’ve reached the point where I’ve now been home longer than I was in Lewes. over three months back with my family and the life I knew before I left for my adventure in August. I’ve seen no one from that time since being home, and sometimes it feels as though the whole thing could have just been a dream. life goes on unaffected by the changes and friendships and moments Lewes gave me.

it was Nash’s birthday yesterday. 21, a big deal in America. I feel awful that it’s in the midst of whatever is going on in our crazy world right now. I miss going downstairs to his room to visit him and Joel. some afternoons as they’d study I’d fall asleep on one of the beds, and they’d just leave me be. I’d wake up at 6pm and realise it was dinner time. we’d make pasta and eat with Jan, before tea time or movie night in 53.

it’s only through recounting in this way I feel as though I’m able to keep this alive in my mind. whilst sad to think it’s so far away from me - more so everyday - right now I need to keep these people with me. I’m unsure about many things and remain confused by the state of the world and my lack of clarity of where I’m going and what it all means.

my heart is still in Lewes. I suppose if we’re being realistic, it’s actually with the people I met and miss. I’m really not just in that dusty hotel than. my heart is scattered. it’s in Germany, the US, the Netherlands, Poland, Indonesia, Canada, Italy, and even across the water in Melbourne with Joel. I’ll never have it all back. but I’m working on ways to keep moving. it will make more sense someday, I’m sure. << x

March

it’s March. time flies and I try to keep up. I’m overwhelmed at how long ago this all was. physically I’m so far removed from my experience, though it’s never far from my mind or heart.

I’m lucky to be staying in regular contact with some of the special people I met. I spend so much of my time reflecting and just missing what was. the people and theemotions and the pass times and everything I took for granted. knowing that right now, another student lives in room 53 blows my mind. I hope the room treats themwith the kindness I found there.

Ziah and I are getting through a miniseries - ‘looking for Alaska’, an adaptation of one of my favourite books. I don’t know why but it has given me a lot to think about. I first read the book in December 2014, aged 15. to think of how much things have changed since then overwhelms me.

I’m back at university and trying to find my feet again. searching for purpose and striving to remain grateful and hopeful. << x

two months

they’ve flown by. I’ve been home over two months now. sometimes it feels as if the whole adventure never really happened, it’s so distant. but most nights I’m back there in my dreams.

I talk to my friends overseas as often as I can. the time differences make things difficult, but I’m grateful to know they’re still around. I miss them so much and part of me wishes our time together never ended. it’s something that really can’t be explained if I’m being honest.

uni goes back on Monday. I don’t know how ready I am to be studying again, especially without room 53 and Lansdown and the people that made Lewes so special. time and distance have separated me from these people who I miss so dearly. I move forward and try to keep the spirit ofit all alive as I keep going. << x