four months

four months ago today I spent my final day in Lewes with my friends. time has flown, but the memories feel as fresh as ever. I just video called some friends from room 53. this was the first time I’d seen and heard them since this time four months ago. I didn’t realise so much time had passed, all I knew is how much I missed them, and the size of the gap in my evenings left by not having them around.

life has changed in many ways. we’re all inside, adapting to the state of the world. more time to think. more time to remember and count our blessings. remembering my time away is bittersweet. I try to keep Lewes alive in my life. some days are easier than others.

seeing and hearing my friends tonight was strange. it felt impossible to think it had been so long since we had shared tea and biscuits in that crumby room on the third floor of the ‘grand hotel’. I love the people who cared for me there. they looked after me and gave me a purpose and sanctuary. a beautiful chapter of my life I often feel as though I never deserved.

I’m still there a lot of the time. when there’s beautiful clouds I’m taken back to that quirky little town. I spend time thinking of that place and the characters it brought into my orbit every day. I miss it dearly, and remain grateful and hopeful that one day, I’ll revisit the setting and people that gave meaning and colour to my adventure. << x

time

I’ve reached the point where I’ve now been home longer than I was in Lewes. over three months back with my family and the life I knew before I left for my adventure in August. I’ve seen no one from that time since being home, and sometimes it feels as though the whole thing could have just been a dream. life goes on unaffected by the changes and friendships and moments Lewes gave me.

it was Nash’s birthday yesterday. 21, a big deal in America. I feel awful that it’s in the midst of whatever is going on in our crazy world right now. I miss going downstairs to his room to visit him and Joel. some afternoons as they’d study I’d fall asleep on one of the beds, and they’d just leave me be. I’d wake up at 6pm and realise it was dinner time. we’d make pasta and eat with Jan, before tea time or movie night in 53.

it’s only through recounting in this way I feel as though I’m able to keep this alive in my mind. whilst sad to think it’s so far away from me - more so everyday - right now I need to keep these people with me. I’m unsure about many things and remain confused by the state of the world and my lack of clarity of where I’m going and what it all means.

my heart is still in Lewes. I suppose if we’re being realistic, it’s actually with the people I met and miss. I’m really not just in that dusty hotel than. my heart is scattered. it’s in Germany, the US, the Netherlands, Poland, Indonesia, Canada, Italy, and even across the water in Melbourne with Joel. I’ll never have it all back. but I’m working on ways to keep moving. it will make more sense someday, I’m sure. << x

March

it’s March. time flies and I try to keep up. I’m overwhelmed at how long ago this all was. physically I’m so far removed from my experience, though it’s never far from my mind or heart.

I’m lucky to be staying in regular contact with some of the special people I met. I spend so much of my time reflecting and just missing what was. the people and theemotions and the pass times and everything I took for granted. knowing that right now, another student lives in room 53 blows my mind. I hope the room treats themwith the kindness I found there.

Ziah and I are getting through a miniseries - ‘looking for Alaska’, an adaptation of one of my favourite books. I don’t know why but it has given me a lot to think about. I first read the book in December 2014, aged 15. to think of how much things have changed since then overwhelms me.

I’m back at university and trying to find my feet again. searching for purpose and striving to remain grateful and hopeful. << x

two months

they’ve flown by. I’ve been home over two months now. sometimes it feels as if the whole adventure never really happened, it’s so distant. but most nights I’m back there in my dreams.

I talk to my friends overseas as often as I can. the time differences make things difficult, but I’m grateful to know they’re still around. I miss them so much and part of me wishes our time together never ended. it’s something that really can’t be explained if I’m being honest.

uni goes back on Monday. I don’t know how ready I am to be studying again, especially without room 53 and Lansdown and the people that made Lewes so special. time and distance have separated me from these people who I miss so dearly. I move forward and try to keep the spirit ofit all alive as I keep going. << x

missing

I’ve spent the past fortnight in and out of kids camps. over the past eight years these have been a consistent part of my life during school holidays. they’ve become some sort of a safe haven for me. being back was like coming home. everything clicked into place seamlessly and I felt comfortable, that I was in the right place.

last night I dreamt I returned to Lewes for the spring semester. seeing my friends was wonderful. we hugged very tightly and I never wanted to let them go. I woke up. luckily, I spent the weekend visiting family friends, whom I love, and spent the morning with them.

I don’t know where this is going, but I spend much of my time missing and feeling out of touch. tonight I spoke with a friend from my exchange, who told me she was visiting Lewes on the weekend. it seems so far away from me now. to be there, walking those streets and seeing those faces, feels impossible. it’s what I wish I had right now.

whilst I seem to be sitting in a lack of clarity I know I’m lucky and I remain grateful - I try to remember the importance of this. I want to be productive and do good things for others and myself. I nap a lot instead, but I know I’ll get there. I keep trying << x.

one month

it’s been a month since I arrived home. I’ve been back for a month, surrounded by family and friends and a familiar environment I seemed to have missed so much during my time away. being here helps me realise how lucky I am. there is so much for me to be grateful for, and these people do so much to make me feel loved and appreciated.

whilst I sleep, more often than not I find myself back in Lewes. whether it’s on the bus to rehearsals, at Lansdown or in room 53 with my beautiful friends, it feels as though my dreams are my waking up from my days at home. it’s lovely to see my friends from far away in these dreams. but waking up is always difficult.

I stayed on camp for a bit this week. it helped me refocus on what is important in my life, and what I generally care about. the kids were fantastic and over the course of three days I was lucky to find some purpose and develop some meaningful connections. I’m lucky to still have camp.

I just heard from Jan, just through a voice message. he was talking about how our time in Lewes feels so long ago, because we are all so far away. I guess I understand, though I still seem to see him and everyone in my sleep, so it’s harder to recognise. I miss that life so much. << x

new year

the new age is here. 2020. I’m spending the first few nights camping on Bruny Island with my brother and parents. I can hear the waves crashing against the sand from a distance, it’s actually quite calming. we’re far from any buildings, and I’m lying in my tent with my brother.

it’s strange thinking of my time away as from another year, another decade all together. I’ve been home fifteen days, which has breezed by. despite this, it has felt as though I never left, and I often find myself wondering if it really happened or if I dreamed it up. sometimes it feels that way, when I wake up from what I thought was a trip to TESCO or tea night in room 53 to the realisation I’d been dreaming in my sleep.

I’ve been sleeping lots. I want to read and write and talk to those people I miss so much, but my energy is low at the moment. I’ll write to you soon. I hope the new year has welcomed you warmly. sending all my love << x