cats in the window

I wonder if they wish they knew me too. <<

revelation

each street I pass every day is a place of profound nostalgia for somebody. <<

September 21st

the date I first arrived in Lewes: I was petrified and totally oblivious to just how transformative my short life in that dusty hotel would be. the characters are still missed every day. I think of them now and it feels cruel to think that so much time has passed since our last movie night, Tesco mission or trip to Lansdowne. the world isn’t ours anymore, but I still glimpse it in photos and memories. it’s cherished.

the date or Lou’s birthday. I remember her 19th, the first after her accident. walking to the bus to school, I couldn’t stop crying. but the clouds were gorgeous from the bus stop, and the grief is a friend now. I keep her close every day with my crane before bed.

the date of Eliu’s birthday. I met her the next day - she moved into the study lodge a day late. she looked out for me the way family would. I owe her the world for the love and care she showed me, and like the rest of the family I found there, I miss her dearly every day.

I grieve for different reasons today. I notice the absence of these friends and that world, on the birthday of the first person to show me what loss can feel like. I’m reminded of the fullness of that world and the people that filled it. I remember her smile and the way she made me laugh without even trying.

the study lodge is still there, another generation oblivious to whatever the following months will bring. room 53 is now home to someone else. they’ll never know what the place meant to us, that I still think of it every day. but I hope it treats them well. <<

two years tomorrow

two years tomorrow since my first steps in Lewes. it feels unfair, though I shouldn’t complain. at a loss. that world still exists for me despite the time and distance. I wish it didn’t feel so far. <<

shower head

the path between me and that time has grown so long so quickly. two years in a matter of days, vivid as today in memories that now seem so impossibly out of reach. I never locked my door; it led to not my room, but a home I shared with strangers I loved as family. the shower head cries softly all night long. with little between it and the pillows on which I sleep, it scores my dreams and perpetual confusions. 

and I don’t know if this is where I should be heading, and it’s all a little scary. I forget what I’ll learn again soon, only to prolong forgetting it all again. I miss and I miss and rejoice and complain. <<

strepsils

the days fly. I’m doing a lot of the same things, but the lockdown gives me an excuse. I know I’m lucky to be living with friends, who continue to give me new reasons to smile and laugh. but I do miss home, and many of the places I’ve not seen in years now.

it’s nearly two years since I first arrived in Lewes, and despite my new life and the days I’m slipping through, I’m still holding on. sometimes Fieke or Nash or Joel will message through a photo from that world, or a phrase we might have once shared. it’s comforting to know I’m not the only one who feels as though part of their heart is still tied to the silly little life we had there.

I don’t know where I’m going but I want to be doing more with my mind and my heart. the days exhaust me and still I have little to show for that I’m proud of. trying to sleep enough to think well and be present. trying to be good. <<

strepsils

the days fly. I’m doing a lot of the same things, but the lockdown gives me an excuse. I know I’m lucky to be living with friends, who continue to give me new reasons to smile and laugh. but I do miss home, and many of the places I’ve not seen in years now.

it’s nearly two years since I first arrived in Lewes, and despite my new life and the days I’m slipping through, I’m still holding on. sometimes Fieke or Nash or Joel will message through a photo from that world, or a phrase we might have once shared. it’s comforting to know I’m not the only one who feels as though part of their heart is still tied to the silly little life we had there.

I don’t know where I’m going but I want to be doing more with my mind and my heart. the days exhaust me and still I have little to show for that I’m proud of. trying to sleep enough to think well and be present. trying to be good. <<

my new room

from inside, with the disco lights on. this was a nice night, and I felt at home. <<

already

a month into this new life already. I don’t know where the time flies, but I know I should be more grateful for the good things it continues to bring. I should be doing more of what I love, and I promise I’ll try. at least I’m safe and hiding away in good company.

nearly two years since Lewes now. the thought and the feelings it conjures are hard to describe. time makes no more sense now than it did the day I left. living in the present again is nice, though my awareness of my growing distance from where I’ve been never truly fades. I learn to live in the limbo. it’s okay. <<