honesty

today a friend challenged me. we were calling whilst I did some cleaning, and it was nice. for a while I’ve been pretty out of touch with most of the people in my life, but today I felt good about at the very least talking with a friend. he was asking me about my plans and goals for the year. I shared my rough idea of how I expect it all to play out, and he asked me if I was happy with it. I didn’t really know what to say, though I was grateful for his honesty when he told me he doesn’t think I’m living how I want or should be right now. I agree with him, though for the longest time I’ve thought it impossible to do anything about my dissatisfaction and detachment from the way I’m living at the moment. I guess if anything I was grateful to know somebody could sense that this isn’t how I’m meant to be, that this feeling of being caught in a rutt is more than just something I’ve dreamt up for myself alone.

honesty is something I value, and I was lucky to receive his honesty today. at the moment I see no reason to hide from honesty, though I know sometimes the truth can be painful to stomach. my truth right now is that I don’t know where or who I’m meant to be in this moment or the story of my life in general. I doubt there’s much you can do with this unremarkable revelation, but I just wanted to be honest with myself about how I’m feeling.

I have no idea what I’m meant to be doing right now. I’m trying to spend more time with friends again, to create things without expectation, to enjoy time as it passes. nothing seems very clear at the moment, but I’ll keep trying for now.