camp

Isaiah and I went on camp last week. the kids were wonderful and I treasured the brief familiar escape from the real word into the magic I’ve enjoyed each school holidays since my early teen years. my buddy loved the camera he saw floating around. with permission from its owner, he took dozens of photos, including this one of a ladybug that landed in the palm of my hand.

it’s strange to return home from that world to the same confusion and disillusionment I left behind. I try to remain grateful as I’m forced back into the place in which it feels I’ve been since leaving Lewes. for so long I’ve wished I could keep camp and the life I enjoy their alive in the real world. though I doubt it’s possible, it’s nice to dream sometimes.

closer

I felt closer to the things I miss today. Eliu called me, and so did Fieke. heading their voices made me smile, and though I still miss them and curse the distance between us all and the world we shared together, for a moment it didn’t feel so far away. we still laugh about the same things we did when we were sharing tea and chocolates in each other’s dorm rooms or pints at Lansdown. Nash called the other day too. I remind myself in my missing of how lucky I am to have found such precious friends, with whom I can still laugh and cry thirteen months after hugging them goodbye. it’s nice to know that they’re still there.

my cat and I

my cat is nearly twenty years old. she knows me better than most of my loved ones, having aged in the same rooms and blankets that have become our home. she visits me most nights before I sleep, jumping onto my chest, where she sits for a while, purring softly. later, when I’ve switched off my lamp to sleep I’ll hear the sounds of her snoring on the mattress beneath my bed. she sleeps soundly, and there’s some comfort I take from her being so close as I wish away another day.

in a few weeks I’ll be alone at home with my parents. both of my brothers are leaving, and since I’m unsure of where I’m going next, I’ll stay where I’ve been for the past year now. I worry about the loneliness I’ll surely face upon saying goodbye. though I’ve grown through similar feelings before, at the moment I find myself doubting my ability to adapt positively to changes I encounter. I’m aware I have no choice but to take these changes as chances to grow, though I’ll need to find ways to believe in myself to make this all work out.

my brothers are leaving, but luckily I’ll still have our cat. tonight as I was folding my crane I saw her wipe a tear from one of her eyes. it was strange to see her looking so sad, though I’ve often worried about her routine of excessive sleeping. she’s shied away now under my bed, and I’ll hear her snoring soon. I hope she’s okay. I don’t know what I’d do without her.

honesty

today a friend challenged me. we were calling whilst I did some cleaning, and it was nice. for a while I’ve been pretty out of touch with most of the people in my life, but today I felt good about at the very least talking with a friend. he was asking me about my plans and goals for the year. I shared my rough idea of how I expect it all to play out, and he asked me if I was happy with it. I didn’t really know what to say, though I was grateful for his honesty when he told me he doesn’t think I’m living how I want or should be right now. I agree with him, though for the longest time I’ve thought it impossible to do anything about my dissatisfaction and detachment from the way I’m living at the moment. I guess if anything I was grateful to know somebody could sense that this isn’t how I’m meant to be, that this feeling of being caught in a rutt is more than just something I’ve dreamt up for myself alone.

honesty is something I value, and I was lucky to receive his honesty today. at the moment I see no reason to hide from honesty, though I know sometimes the truth can be painful to stomach. my truth right now is that I don’t know where or who I’m meant to be in this moment or the story of my life in general. I doubt there’s much you can do with this unremarkable revelation, but I just wanted to be honest with myself about how I’m feeling.

I have no idea what I’m meant to be doing right now. I’m trying to spend more time with friends again, to create things without expectation, to enjoy time as it passes. nothing seems very clear at the moment, but I’ll keep trying for now.

clouds

the clouds were nice today. the sun was setting and the sky was a gorgeous mess of pink and blue. I didn’t take a photo, but it was gorgeous, and I was lucky to see it before it slipped away.