11:46pm

sometimes I’m overwhelmed by the fact that this is my life and it’s happening now. often I feel as though I’m watching someone else’s story play out before me. things happen and time passes and it all feels of very little consequence. I have dreams and aspirations, though some days when it feels as if it’s not my life but that of another character, I don’t think of them. forgetting these dreams, what I want to be doing, how I wish I could live my life, can be a relief sometimes. forgetting my worries can also feel as liberating. things that make me sad take time to process when it seems as though they’re happening to the character in the story I’m watching, and not me.

I’ll always end up being found again by these dreams and nightmares. they come back without fail and I’m left losing sleep. I wish for times I’ve enjoyed, often believing the best is far behind me. some nights I wonder if I’ll ever find a way to peace again. luck is something I’ve had a lot of and I try to remain grateful for, though part of me wonders if I’d be better off dwelling with my impossible hopes and tragedies without knowing the joys I’ve found and enjoyed in the past. I’ll never know for sure, but I wonder.

I’ve been reminded once more by the impermanence of everything in this strange world. the realisation overwhelms me as I try to make sense of it. I’m sure I’ll go through the emotions and the right feelings will find me in time, when it seems a little more real. I miss a lot of things and hope for some understanding. wherever I go I’m followed by the same thoughts, which seem to manifest and haunt in different ways. I wonder if there’s a way to tame them. for now, I try to remind myself that confusion is okay. I write and wish I could do something more. << x