11:46pm

sometimes I’m overwhelmed by the fact that this is my life and it’s happening now. often I feel as though I’m watching someone else’s story play out before me. things happen and time passes and it all feels of very little consequence. I have dreams and aspirations, though some days when it feels as if it’s not my life but that of another character, I don’t think of them. forgetting these dreams, what I want to be doing, how I wish I could live my life, can be a relief sometimes. forgetting my worries can also feel as liberating. things that make me sad take time to process when it seems as though they’re happening to the character in the story I’m watching, and not me.

I’ll always end up being found again by these dreams and nightmares. they come back without fail and I’m left losing sleep. I wish for times I’ve enjoyed, often believing the best is far behind me. some nights I wonder if I’ll ever find a way to peace again. luck is something I’ve had a lot of and I try to remain grateful for, though part of me wonders if I’d be better off dwelling with my impossible hopes and tragedies without knowing the joys I’ve found and enjoyed in the past. I’ll never know for sure, but I wonder.

I’ve been reminded once more by the impermanence of everything in this strange world. the realisation overwhelms me as I try to make sense of it. I’m sure I’ll go through the emotions and the right feelings will find me in time, when it seems a little more real. I miss a lot of things and hope for some understanding. wherever I go I’m followed by the same thoughts, which seem to manifest and haunt in different ways. I wonder if there’s a way to tame them. for now, I try to remind myself that confusion is okay. I write and wish I could do something more. << x

the shave, 14/10/2019

what I’d give to retreat from my sad confusion into the home I’d found in the company of these treasured friends. it’s a year now since they shaved my head, an attempt to help me start over. the confusion and bewilderment is different now, though more lonely so far from their laughter and hugs. I miss them every single day, and I can’t even move past how lucky I was to find them and share in their lives. will I forever wish for our shared world again? will I ever understand the hopeless longing I face each night, for what we found in our village, their constant company, that joy? will I ever understand the ruthlessness of time? I’m learning some questions have no answers. it’s a process to come to terms with this understanding, and I try to go gently. forever hoping for more sense with each new day. << x

a sticker found in Durham, 13/10/2019

spotted on my solo walk through the foggy drizzle of a sleepy Sunday afternoon. I wonder if it’s still there, and if I’ll ever forget the confusion I found in the town I’d been so excited to visit. it’s all still there in my mind. maybe it’ll all make sense someday. << x

October rain

it’s been raining a lot this week. I only remember catching dry sunshine once or twice since Sunday. the rain pours relentlessly and remind me of England. more often than not it’s a comfort I enjoy: the pattering of the raindrops against my roof a soothing soundtrack to send me to sleep. it fogs in the valley on the edge of which we live, and the moodiness of it all makes me feel okay for feeling lost or blue.

I’ve been writing a lot about the adventure and everything that happened to me. revisiting moments and people and places through the process of storytelling is as rewarding as it is overwhelming. I fear losing these memories through their being forgotten, which is one of the key factors driving my hopeful holding onto this sacred chapter in my life through writing. though it bears down on me, pulling me back to Lewes and everything that I miss and king for so hooelessly, I know I’ve been driven to write about this for a reason. these people and memories mean the world to me, and I owe them the glorification they deserve given how treasured they are in my heart. I wish I had more than memories, that I could use words to bring back the friends and pass times I miss so much. I wish hopelessly for many things.

my life lacks direction and I have been aware of this for a while now. with many hopes and dreams, I remain daunted by the prospect of never bringing any of it to life, spending decades dawdling nervously only to die without having left behind any of the gifts I’d hoped to create. I escape into my writing to hide from what I know: that I must make sense of the now and where I’m to go next. I pray to understand it all someday, that one day I will be capable of bringing some goodness into the world, something unique and treasured. I pray I’ll see my friends again. time passes and the rain keeps coming back. << x