forever

I wake up every day. they all start and end the same - my head on a pillow with a breath. every day this way, no matter what happens. no matter what is going on beyond me and my world. genocide and famine and flood. me and my pillow and the freedom to wallow in self pity or commit to a good night’s sleep. 

thinking a lot about Gaza and just how awful we can be to each other. embarrassed to be human. lost as to where to go with these feelings. I went to a rally and listened to the people chanting. I see so much on my screen. brunch with the girls and hospitals losing power. throwback Thursday and children crying for their mothers in the rubble. it’s ridiculous and we’re all watching. I’m speechless. 

back onstage with SUDS - a coming of age comedy about growing up in Canberra. a nice distraction. I let me mind wander and worry about line delivery and other things that mean nothing at all in the scheme of things. I call my brothers and miss my friends. sometimes I think about the future. mostly I still dream of what’s already been. <<

a hat on the tracks

I saw a hat on the tracks on my commute to walk. every now and then I spot something out of place and it reminds me I don’t want to be caught in the ongoing spiral that is this routine.

it’s been warm. I wear shorts to work most days now. the evenings are nice outside. I had a lovely picnic with Jenae and Nic the other day. watched a lovely movie with John. calling my parents most days, and leaning on my brothers always. I couldn’t ask for more care or love from them.

Bipasha is trying to get me back into running. we did ‘park run’ at Sydney Park yesterday before voting. we’re trying to spend more time together. I’m so lucky to have her. the referendum loss has me embarrassed to live and breathe as an Australian. all I can hope is that we are shamed to no end on the global stage. we are a pathetic country and I can only pray we grow up.

a lot of theatre between everything else. rehearsals gearing up for opening next week. a nice cast - no egos, which is a real blessing. at the cellar most days now, not making time for much else beyond work and rehearsals. trying to start reading again. maybe Italian again soon.

Fieke is in England. she placed two of my cranes in a special spot in Lewes. she spent the evening with Lexi drinking at Landsdowne. surreal to think she can go back whenever, when it’s all so far out of reach for me. I think of that time every day still. unanswered questions and perpetual longing. I will always miss.

nothing wise to say. it’s always just another day. counting what is good as I go. <<

love never dies in memory

I relished the momentary freedom from reality - spending most of my time between Isaiah and Millie, theatre at night, cartoons in the morning, never left alone with my thoughts. 

Cadi had been driving along the coast - all the way from Taroona. we spent Saturday morning reflecting on our shared confusion with our own humanity by the stream on campus. she is a remarkable individual, and I leave every time our paths cross feeling understood and a little more fulfilled.

mum and dad and Millie and Nic and Isaiah all in one room for one night - closing night of Zi’s show. whisked away back to Sydney in no time the next morning. 36 degrees. I slept all afternoon and woke to an evening of television with my housemates. in the theatre every evening this week - twice for graphics on Aidan’s show, twice for rehearsals. I keep moving and try to look forward.

I try to avoid silence. when it comes I lean into something else - I find noise and I wrap it round myself like a pillow I don’t want to leave. I wish I were a kid again, though I wish I cared less and could just get over myself.

and there’s that line from the closing song. I think of it and my heart doesn’t know what to do. is it true? what does it even mean? is memory real? why does it always feel so far? I sleep without answers and wake up again. <<