held

‘I am who I am and I have the need to be’ - The Little Prince.

in the chaos I count myself lucky to be held by those that bring me joy. I try my best to hold them too, counting my blessings as I go.

I treasure what I’ve been given and so lucky to hold. 

tomorrow always comes. I hope it’s happy for you. 

never forgetting. holding it all in that place no storm can reach. <<

sublime

a chaotic period in my heart and mind. I feel and know that I am here.

a strange time. I played my first team sport since I was nine, feeling inadequate and incapable in ways I had not since my days on the soccer field. a profound experience. I was a child again. grateful to have been in the presence of friends on the field, even without their knowledge of how I felt. the fear and dread was validating for my nine year old self.

I attended the opera with Peter, my grandparents’ dear friend. an evening of entertainment not like anything else I’ve ever seen.

being held by friends. Millie passed through briefly just the other day. Nash and I called on Friday night, filling each other in on where our hearts and heads are at right now. I spent last night with dear ex-stucco friends, and rekindled an old friendship over lunch today. I count my blessings as I pass through each day.

Matilda returned from Europe today. Mum just landed in Rome. I wish I could be with her right now.

I have no idea what I’m doing. at least I liked Barbie.

<<

the stream

the days pass so quickly. my time home is over, and once more I’m back in the city. I climb up my loft bed and it’s as though the island was just a dream.

I slept on the flight, dozing in and out of thoughts of people and places I love and miss. my heart still yearns to hold it all, and it continues to weigh heavy knowing it can’t. wanting to have all I’ve ever loved in present tense: a foolish fantasy.

I walked through my hometown this morning. my parents held me before saying goodbye this evening. I painted for my mother, hugged my dear cousin goodbye as he sets off on his new life overseas. before bed, I stick a letter to the wall, one I’ve kept close since leaving Lewes. Sam Williams (friend, writer/director of Timepieces and recently viral comedy sensation) writes: nothing is ever lost / you can find me with one foot in the stream.

I don’t know what any of it means but I know that I’m lucky. <<

the island

I slip back in as though I’d never left. my room is as I left it, give or take a couple of bags stuffed full of mum’s work knick knacks at the foot of my desk. the crane still hang precariously from the threads shooting out of the chinese lantern sprouting from the ceiling. postcards of favourite paintings still tacked to the white walls. the overflowing shelves of books still collecting dust in my absence. no matter where I am in the world or my mind, my room seems to stay as it always has.

Joely holds the moon, gifted to me by none other than Steph.

precious moments with cherished people. I am lucky to be held by those who love me. I bought Danish pastries for my grandma and gave her a drawing of her husband nursing me when I was a baby. she’s still painting and sewing for people she loves. age is not stopping her.

appreciating our island home. so much I wish I could share with my friends from afar. I want to take Jan with me on these hikes, show Nash the caves and beaches, walk with Eliu and hear her laugh. I want to see people I know I’ll never see again. they’re in my thoughts as I try to see my island home through new eyes.

a weekend with my family. holding each of them close and wishing I could keep those I love with me wherever I go. Mum had us painting together as we drank our wine. I painted the kunanyi, the mountain I’ve been raised at the feet of, ascending into the clouds. I dream of taking this world with me as I try to stretch my heart across the oceans to be at once with all that matters to me.

silly silly thoughts. <<

living in the liminal

the distance only grows. I think of everything I’ll never be. can something ever truly belong? <<