seminar

that might have been my final university class. five years of pretending to understand what everybody’s talking about and the really big words they like to use. a few of us bought drinks on campus after. we got on well and wondered why we hadn’t thought to become friends earlier. very funny.

I’ve stayed in school since 2003. it’s very late so my math won’t be very accurate. about 19 years I think. this makes me feel very old, and though the thought of life beyond the familiar anxieties of deadlines and classrooms scares me, I know I’ll have to face it. school has been good to me, a life distraction in which I’ve been able to hide from what scares and upsets me. I think I’m going to miss it. <<

walking

walking and finding litte gifts to hold close. days passing very quickly and I doubt they’re going to slow any time soon. I still try to find the good and take everything else as it comes. navigating new paths with and without people I trust. I miss home and I miss Lewes. I wish I’d spent more time walking with friends. I treasure what I have within my reach. <<

I’d really like a map

I process it all at a poor pace. my thoughts can’t quite keep up with the passing of each week. I have decisions to make but I always find myself running into more questions than answers. I’d really like a map. <<

destination?

I should be making big decisions: I’m trying to run away instead. I don’t know where I’m meant to be going, and the lack of clarity is feeling a little scary at the moment.

we hosted a party last night.

car lights on an asphalt canvas of natural confetti.

the walk to my Wednesday class.

housemates in the lounge.

things to be thankful for. trying to treasure it all and remember what matters. <<

May

it’s already May, though I feel as though I’ve done nothing all year. time doesn’t stop for a second, regardless of how little is being done to make it pass. I thought of a friend today, someone I miss and haven’t seen in years. we don’t talk anymore, though I still remember just how important they were to me through a very trying time. when we would laugh and lie together, we’d tell each other that we would always care, and always be close. I don’t know where they are, but I miss them still. and I hope they’re doing well, and know I’ll always wish the best for them in navigating this strange world. I wonder what our lives would look like now were we still in each other’s orbit.

lots of cats around Newtown today. the clouds were pretty too. taking note of happy things. <<