trains

my thoughts don’t seem to do much for me or anyone else these days. I feel as though I’m lacking substance, and have been for years now. like a shell maybe. I get lost in the vagueness of the paths my mind follows. I hope I’ll find the words to write about this soon. <<

lavender

I wrote today for the first time in months. it was spontaneous: a group of us in the unit 2 lounge. I’d been complaining about writer’s block. Jenae suggested we all write to a prompt. we struggled to decide on one, and ended up settling for the lavender branch on the mantle beside Cara’s scented candles and a vase of paper cranes. it’s only a little thing, but I wrote today, and because of this I feel a little more like me, as though being comfortable with myself is something that might someday be possible.

extract from me my goodness

there’s so much you can break

of everything upon the shelf

I’m what you chose to take

the softness of my scent seduces

from far across the room until

the thought of leaving here is useless

and I’m still on the windowsill

and I will try to do my part

instilling peace til your smile starts

to fog the storms clouding around

the thoughts in which you sometimes drown

and though to you I’m little more

than twigs you don’t quite know what for

perhaps I’m left here for a reason

admiring clouds and passing seasons

losing scent and sense with time

at least right now you’re breathing fine.
<<

pavement gazing

finding thinking tricky. I go for walks to help. there’s lots to see.

schoolwork has nearly finished. it will be summer break in no time, meaning anniversaries and birthdays and another year older. I’m never quite ready for this time.

the rain is very soft tonight. my pillow is against the window, so I hear the gentle sounds and sometimes my thoughts are calm. I forget about what worries me, the things that make me mad, everything I wish I could change in my funny little life.

I haven’t written a poem in two months. sometimes I worry that I might have lost the capacity to be creative. it’s not a nice thought, and I lack any evidence to suggest otherwise. I’m trying to source inspiration, I know creating helps - it always has. sometimes it feels pathetic. I’ll wake tomorrow and greet the day without expectation, however hopeful for peace and purpose. <<

bonfire night

November 5th is bonfire night, the biggest celebration of the year in Lewes. special memories. two years ago, we were all stunned by the procession of costumed societies down high street, torch lit and preparing sombrely for the monstrous fires they’d soon be starting all over our sleepy town. a special night I still think of often. Fieke and Lexi are there now, back in that world. I hope they manage okay being there alone, I don’t know how I’d feel in their shoes - though I do envy their ability to walk down the same lanes I can only see now in old photos and dreams. I wish I was with them. that world is so impossibly far from me now.

Lewes, I hope you have a lovely Guy Fawkes night. I’ll be thinking of and missing you a little extra tonight. all my love <<

timespan

I’ve been living here longer than I lived in Lewes, and once again I’m left feeling as though time will never make sense to me. it’s all so confusing and I don’t really know what to think anymore. Fieke’s going back this week for Bonfire Night. the world seems so far from me, but she’s right on its border as I type. I hope she’ll be okay. I know there’s lots of ghosts. <<

November

I didn’t write last month. not a single day of creativity. I’ve tried to focus and string together some sense out of the thoughts when they drift through. perhaps I’m jinxing myself. it’s a little disheartening when the escape doesn’t work out. uninspired and still lost. somedays I wish I made different choices. why did I decide to take this oath? I wish more sense could be made of the mind with which I live. <<