changing batteries

where does all the time go? I wish there were answers and a clear path for me to follow back to something I can be proud of. <<

two months

in two months I’ll be 23, and I really don’t want to. time doesn’t give me a choice here - I’m born and I’m bound to the unwritten contract; aging until I’m gone. I wonder why it pains me so.

I lack the words to articulate my feelings here, as seems to be the case with what I think of most things at the moment. forever slipping in and out of a capacity to be and act in ways I understand. <<

vagueness

I’ve been missing it all a little more lately. the clouds here aren’t as nice as back home or Lewes. time is moving very fast still. 

everything feels very vague, and I fear the vagueness is blurring my capacity to think and act. somedays I feel as though I’d look at the ceiling all day if I could. I’m not quite sure why, and my apathy towards the vagueness only seems to concern me when I put this all into words.

I’ve been running for a long time. I would really like to pause for breath. <<

October 13th, 2019

a sad day. the tears are still very clear in my memories, though it’s been so long. I remember walking in the rain through the sleepy Sunday morning, Durham was as misty as me. words didn’t really make a difference - and at least I can tell myself I tried to use them. had things unfolded differently, perhaps my time in that world might have been different. perhaps the sadness was key to me seeking refuge in the family I’d found in the dusty hotel I still miss. I can’t regret trying, but I still wonder why things went the way they did. I think about it all less as time passes, but I doubt I’ll ever forget how it felt at the time. I hope Durham’s happier now. <<

a cat I saw on Sunday morning

I’m struggling with my use of words at the moment. the visual is easier and less confusing for me right now. the cat was very sweet.

I doubt my capacity to satisfy the demands I face. though I swear there have been far greater challenges, simple things are difficult for me now. I’m sure this will pass as all feelings do. words mean a lot to me, and feeling capable of using them effectively is important. I’ll try not to bear myself up in the mean time. <<

film

chaotic mind at the moment. moving through one day at a time, reminding myself how lucky to be where I am and in such good company. Jeff and Cara had some of their film developed. precious photos.

making this place home slowly. Millie sent a care package with maps and other cutouts for my wall. it’s feeling less empty now, though I still miss her dearly. counting every blessing that comes my way. <<

October

I can’t quite keep up with this calendar. we’re here already and it doesn’t seem fair at all. <<